Ezekiel can sense and reflect it more than any other person in my life right now . . . He knows if I am busy and would rather he just be a non-baby baby and play without hurting himself or getting into anything . . . or really . . . I'd rather he be sleeping so I don't have to think about it.
But it's strange how when I decide to divorce myself for a little while and live as I was intended to live . . . in a manner worthy of the calling that I have been called to . . . he can sense that too.
And I look back in shame at myself and wonder why I was ever annoyed or stressed about some little non-eternal, ever so fleeting detail when I hear him in his crib at night, jabbering himself to sleep, or smiling at me and giggling, or calling to me in the morning saying, "mama, mama, mama."
Just because I stay at home with my little one during the day doesn't make me a "stay at home mom." Not really. I can travel in my thoughts, on the computer, the phone . . . or even in serving other people and doing projects before I attend to the place God has called me to serve - my husband and my baby. My "me thoughts" grow by the dozens until I find a discontented selfish little girl that I am ashamed to be associated with . . . but whom I must be associated with; because she is me. My joy is snatched away by a thousand little decisions to not take every thought captive and use each moment as the Lord prompted me to.
My husband comes home to a tired wife (not tired because I have too much work . . . good grief, I only have one child!) But tired because she fought against the Holy Spirit all day long and therefore her yoke wasn't easy . . . nor was the burden light. Ezekiel is cranky? You bet. I would be cranky too if I had to endure being around someone all day long who didn't make it clear that they wanted to be with me . . . that they delighted in our relationship. Selfish people are wearisome to be around.
I get glimpses of sheer joy here on earth. The times when the Lord grants me grace to be obedient to His Word and rejoice in Him with everything that is within me rather I feel spiritual about it or not. The times when I laugh with the Lord over what would have frustrated me in the past. The times when He kills enough of me to make me happy.
And it makes me wonder how purely blissful heaven will be when "I" am finally dead and buried. All of my desires are His desires and Allison is dead dead. Cold dead.
That will be sheer joy.
But it's strange how when I decide to divorce myself for a little while and live as I was intended to live . . . in a manner worthy of the calling that I have been called to . . . he can sense that too.
And I look back in shame at myself and wonder why I was ever annoyed or stressed about some little non-eternal, ever so fleeting detail when I hear him in his crib at night, jabbering himself to sleep, or smiling at me and giggling, or calling to me in the morning saying, "mama, mama, mama."
Just because I stay at home with my little one during the day doesn't make me a "stay at home mom." Not really. I can travel in my thoughts, on the computer, the phone . . . or even in serving other people and doing projects before I attend to the place God has called me to serve - my husband and my baby. My "me thoughts" grow by the dozens until I find a discontented selfish little girl that I am ashamed to be associated with . . . but whom I must be associated with; because she is me. My joy is snatched away by a thousand little decisions to not take every thought captive and use each moment as the Lord prompted me to.
My husband comes home to a tired wife (not tired because I have too much work . . . good grief, I only have one child!) But tired because she fought against the Holy Spirit all day long and therefore her yoke wasn't easy . . . nor was the burden light. Ezekiel is cranky? You bet. I would be cranky too if I had to endure being around someone all day long who didn't make it clear that they wanted to be with me . . . that they delighted in our relationship. Selfish people are wearisome to be around.
I get glimpses of sheer joy here on earth. The times when the Lord grants me grace to be obedient to His Word and rejoice in Him with everything that is within me rather I feel spiritual about it or not. The times when I laugh with the Lord over what would have frustrated me in the past. The times when He kills enough of me to make me happy.
And it makes me wonder how purely blissful heaven will be when "I" am finally dead and buried. All of my desires are His desires and Allison is dead dead. Cold dead.
That will be sheer joy.
2 comments:
O.K. then! That was convicting! Thank you for allowing God to speak to you and for sharing it with others-namely me (the one who needs it!) I wonder what my little man here senses with all of his mom's "to do" lists! Shame on me!
I love that sweet little smile of his. What a sheer delight Ezekiel is to Dad and I!
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