I sleepily opened one eye as the light came streaming into my bedroom. Haven stirred restlessly beside me and I tried to remember how long she had been there and when she had nursed last. The memories of the night, of waking and feeding, were all a blur to me. So I began to feed her again as I prayed. Months ago those morning prayers always started with a plea that I would be granted grace to be a good wife and loving mother. But He opened my eyes to the futility of life. He opened my eyes to the fact that being a "good" wife and "good" mother is worthless and brings Him no glory unless I love and desire Him above all else. So instead my prayer began, "Give me a great love for You . . . help me keep my thoughts focused. Keep my heart satisfied and stayed on You." I paused and felt conviction. Like He was reminding me that I know what it takes to arrive at that end and I was being lazy in not fighting for it. So I reached for my Bible and denied my love of lazy pleasure . . . determining to exercise my mind in memorization so that I might be focused in my thoughts throughout that day. 

The verse began, "So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience . . . " I'm not sure why I started memorizing there, as the section which I had been going to in weeks past was several verses further down. I guess it made sense to start at the beginning of a paragraph and so, with the intention of memorizing the entire section eventually, I started there. He knew. But I had no idea that I would need the admonition of that verse so strongly that day. 

The day began well. Right now, our days going "well" means that no one gets hurt, makes disgusting or huge messes, and all attitudes are in keeping with what you would expect from three, two and one year old children who are well loved in a stable environment and yet are as imperfect as their mother is. :-) It means that I haven't passed out or cried from exhaustion and everyone is dressed, fed and doing their chores by 10 am. It's not impressive but it's a step above mere survival. ;-) 

After lunch there was suddenly several outside circumstances over which I responded pretty well to externally. But my thoughts were flaming vengeance, bitterness, and a lack of compassion. I had visions of really telling some people what I thought . . . asking them if they were for real . . . explaining why I am so much better than they are. ;-) Maybe not quite that bad? But, sadly, close to that. For a while things were still going well in how the children and I were relating to each other . . . 

But before long the poison of my bitterness was spilling over to them - even though I so did not want it to. The gentleness and kindness were gone. Even as the action and words would happen I would be thinking, "No! I don't want to be this way." Then I would turn to see something else that needed correction and so on went the endless cycle of criticism. The poison of pride began to spoil those whom I love so much. 

The ripple affect began. Each of my children began nit picking each other and looking out for themselves alone. Their pride and selfishness shone through and it was like looking at a mirror of my own attitude. 

I stopped replaying in my mind the things that stirred up my bitterness. I forgave . . . and when the thoughts of the offences came back every five minutes and bitterness tempted to flood my soul . . . I forgave again. I loved on my children and gently corrected their lack of love for each other. I forgot about making dinner and had smoothies instead. I changed every circumstance in my power to change to let the stress leave and compassion reign in the home. I didn't want my husband coming home to the monster of bad attitudes that my pride had created. :-) 

I guess I knew the truth of this in principle. My mind understood it. But I had never experienced it like this before. You can't be bitter towards others and only direct your attitude toward them. Bitterness is like toxic gasses escaping into the environment . . . they just disease everyone around them. 

When it comes to magnifying Christ to others, there is no "faking it." Without a love for Christ, giving you a love for others, nothing can keep you for the duration of imperfect circumstances that are sure to come our way. A conservative life style does nothing put scream "religion." Genuine love says, "Jesus Christ." 

So, as those who were chosen of God (when yet imperfect and unlovely) put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience (with those who are also imperfect). Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts 

. . . and be thankful.