Sheer Determination

Sheer determination, knowledge and methods will never be enough to make me the kind of mother I want to be to my children. 

I feel as though the Lord has been speaking this to me for months now.

But I am so slow to listen.

Why do I have to hurt so before I go to my knees . . . and actually stay there, listening?

Day after day of what I deemed "failure" had to happen before I would recognize that I am nothing . . . I am able to do nothing glorifying, apart from an active relationship with Him.

I know what I want to accomplish.

I set off, headstrong and determined to see it through.

But without Him, it is all worthless.

I might raise hard working, obedient, respectful children (and even have a loving, dynamic relationship with my husband after they are grown) but what use is that if they do not love the Savior? How will they know how to love Him if they do not see my love for Him and His Word?

How can I even begin to love them unconditionally without drawing from His unconditional love for me?

I found myself whispering thanksgiving to Him yesterday. "Thank you, Lord for letting me hurt so long . . . for not giving me hope apart from You. Hold me here. Always bring me back to knowing how desperately I need you."

And for the first time I was thankful for something I have never been real happy about: My children being very close together in age. The physical demand brought me to the end of me. I have to laugh a little at myself because just admitting to that, especially in written form, is hard for my pride. :-) I tend to be a "can-do" kind of girl. I love a challenge. But motherhood somehow went off the radar for me a little when it comes to that . . .

I always reasoned that I could do better, be more for them, if they were not all three and under and me living in continual physical pregnancy exhaustion. I have never been so tired in all my life. (Not that a mere 23 years provides much oppertunity for exhaustion. ;-))

I strove for a long time to fix it myself. Determination to just push through. Healthier eating so that I would have more energy. "Good" training of the kids so that everything went as smooth as possible.

Those things are all "good" . . . but not when they are being looked to for strength instead of to God for life-giving hope.

I've read all the books about schedules, sleep-training, demanding respect and instant obedience, blanket time, room time, not giving children too many choices . . . the list is endless.

But totally worthless without unconditional love.

That's impossible to live out every day without Christ.

It's freeing to stop the striving.

To put down the marriage, parenting and health books.

To pick up the Bible and just focus on Christ.

He alone can satisfy.