Daddy's Boy . . . Mama's Girl

Last night was a sleepless one for a while. That's not terribly uncommon for me . . . but it feels uncommon to have empty hours in which to think and read.

Romans 8 has been a favorite for me during this past year. It has become what Isaiah 43 was to me the year before. I read it and read it and then crave to read it again. Each time my soul feels thirsty and it's new; only better. Yet, I cannot comprehend the half of it.

I may never under the creation being subjected unwillingly to futility. That's ok. There is a lot of peace in serving a God who has a thought processes so far above your own that you cannot fathom it. It would be a frighting thing to trust my life to a God whom I could understand or reason with. He created me and the world in which I live. The concepts which are reality to me (time, space, light, distance) were "invented" by Him. Who could have dreamed up the system of time? The entire realm of creation leaves me worshiping Him in silence.

Where was I? Ah, Romans 8 and last night's late night journey. :-)

I read this section last night: "If God be for us, who can be against us? He that spared not His own Son but delivered Him up for us all . . . " Would I deliver my little Ezekiel over to die in order to save those who, in this life, would never fully appreciate the reality of being saved from an eternity in hell? I am persuaded that my answer will forever be a resounding "no!" Nor will I struggle to change my feelings on the matter, for I am not God. My prayer is only that I would hold my children before the Lord with an open hand. For they are not my own.

There is a reality of a struggle in my thoughts daily to not place my happiness . . . security . . . identity in my children. I am a follower of Christ first and for most. In Christ alone, my hope is found. Because of Christ I have a great love for my husband. And children thrive in such an abode. :-) But when children consume so much time - energy - resources - thought, it is only natural to make them everything. Only by His grace can it be anything different.

In this reality there is great freedom. For when my children misbehave or even behave in a manner that takes me by surprise and leaves me wondering why and what to do . . . it is no longer a personal insult or an attack on my identity. It is nothing more than circumstance in which to consult my Savior about and then obey Him in the matter. His Word is rather clear and a selfless love for my child's benefit aids the conclusion. :-) And I suppose sometimes people may think that I am irresponsible and others conclude that I am too harsh and make too much of everything. But for the first time . . . there is freedom from the worry of wondering over it. I can obey my Savior and be done and find complete joy in Him alone.

I am sure that He could not have placed me in any "work" that I would have loved more.

Charis is playing at my feet as a write . . . Ezekiel is snug in his bed with his favorite blankets and "Ted." I will hear him call to me in the morning, "Mom, mom." I will fall asleep next to the man who has become my best earthly friend. I will awake knowing that my Savior lives; because He does I have no fear of death and there is great joy in living until I see Him face to face.