unfeeling feelings

I rest grateful tonight.

Grateful that my Savior never changes . . . never ceases to comfort me, strengthen me, humble me . . . sometimes even seemingly laugh with me.

Prayer as a mom is a different thing for me some days.

Some days it is sleepless nights of long conversations, conviction, working things through.

Some days it is waking before the kiddos and laying there reading and talking with Him.

Every day it is little "chats" of asking for forgiveness and grace as I stumble and learn as I go.

Some days it is questioning if what I am doing is right . . .

Some days it is pitiful stories of frustration as I sit on the floor in the midst of disorder, disobedience, misunderstandings, exhaustion, or sickness.

Life is diverse nearly every day though I love our general routine and schedule. But really. Some things . . . like blowouts, training sessions, soy sauce being poured all over my counter top, stove burns and vomiting babies . . . just don't "schedule" well. As a side note: that all happened today in less than one hour. My morning inspiration of being nicely dressed, having a yummy lunch prepared for my husband, happy children, and a clean home failed despite my "planning." But that is a bunny trail . . .

The unchanging nature of God has never been more comforting than it is right now, in this phase of life.

He leaves me in awe of Himself.

Because I am forever changing even as I crave some degree of something called "normal."

My relationship with God can "feel" so different from time to time.

I remember the three week period of time after recovering from Charis' birth and before getting pregnant again. I remember this incredible thing that I dream of now . . . energy. Just plain love for living that isn't clouded over by exhaustion. Our relationship then felt very sure. Stable. Things seemed clear and I could mentally take a lot in. I learned and I loved learning. I felt.

Then I was too exhausted to feel anything.

At first guilt set in . . . like I didn't care . . . nor did I care too much about the not caring. I was just existing.

That phase started to fade around the time something unusually strangely weird was brought up in our path. We felt like God was asking us to do something. Something neither of us wanted to do. Something that didn't make sense. Something that would drain our finances and make us look irresponsible.

So came the sleepless nights. The "wrestling" with God. The doubting. Finally resting in the fact that God knows our desires. He knows that we want to be pleasing to Him. He isn't going to just allow us to go too far down a wrong path without correcting us. We were content to walk by faith and wait for Him to stop us if this direction was false.

That time brought with it so much conviction. It was a time of being humbled. Mentally, I always thought that Luke and I could "handle" having more money than we needed for our daily needs. We always told the Lord that we would give it to whoever He asked us to. My happiness wasn't wrapped up in it. But my security was. Now I could label it whatever kind of wonderful "Christian / American" term that would seem appropriate. "Responsible." "Advantageous." "Just plain wise because we have two small children with another on the way." But it was none of those things really . . . it was merely a god. Something that I put my trust in.

But the Lord can show us these things and He is so forgiving. Oh, to think that He cares enough to convict us and soften our hearts!

Now I "feel" almost strong again in the Lord.

He has stirred in me a desire to live something out before my children for His glory.

Faith.

Even when it doesn't "look right" - "seem right" - "feel right."

Maybe if the Lord so worked in my life so that I wasn't afraid to be a fool for Him . . . then maybe my children would grow up never doubting that God is who He says He is . . . even in the midst of our anti-God, socialistic, materialistic, perverted culture.

It will have to be all of Him.

But I feel humbled that He has asked me to follow Him for this journey. There is peace. Knowing that He will never change. Knowing that I don't have to gauge my "spirituality" by how I feel or don't feel. Knowing that He cares enough to keep me in His will. Knowing that He doesn't need my "help." :-) Knowing that He loves my children more that I could ever possibly.

Knowing that I can trust in Him alone.