Luke and I are studying through Romans. I thought that I had a good grasp on grace and salvation. I am still convinced beyond all doubt that my past understanding has been enough for my trust to be placed completely in the One who died for me. And thus I am saved and know and love my great Savior. But I still understand so little . . .
Somehow, because my salvation was genuine and God transformed my life - changing me into a completely different creature - I unknowingly put confidence in myself. The change was from the heart . . . but it made its way into outward changes. Majorly. I had a mental list (though subconsciously) of things you "just couldn't do" if you had really been saved. How in the world . . . after understanding His great sacrifice? It was labeled as impossible. I would have gladly passed judgment on anyone who disagreed.
My pride was so deep . . . is so deep. Though transformed in the spirit, I put confidence in that which I could see. And then I fell. I still wrestle it all through in my mind. God does not tempt anyone. Yet He is sovereign. He used my sin. But may it never be suggested that He caused me to sin. I see now that the "greater" sin was that I allowed my fall to push me further away from Him instead of facing it head on . . . obeying His voice . . . being humbled by it . . . and fleeing to my Savior.
Now I am free. His voice has been heeded - though it took a great deal of time and unbelievable pressure and stress . . . even physical illness before I would bend the knee. Sometimes I still travel back to the place where I link the pain of today with the sin of yesterday.
But truly? Apart from Him I am nothing. No matter how "religious" or "sin free" my life is. Rather I had fallen or not. I would have still been simply a sinner - saved by grace.
The hymn is echoing through my mind (though I hate the melody haha!) "Only a sinner saved by grace . . . this is my story - to God be the glory. I am only a sinner saved by grace." .
How would Christ be glorified if salvation was of me? What purpose would there be for justification? None at all. God's Word would be blasphemed. It would all be a farce and a laughable fairy tail unless apart from Him . . . in my flesh . . . I am completely and utterly and altogether nothing.
In the struggles of today I hesitate in running to Him. Instead I conversationally tell Him how "this is my own fault" and I will "deal with it" and do the best I can. Am I still so slow to understand? Having begun in the Spirit am I now going to be perfected in the flesh? (Galatians 3 is coming alive . . . )
O foolish Galatians! Who has bewitched you? It was before your eyes that Jesus Christ was publicly portrayed as crucified. Let me ask you only this: Did you receive the Spirit by works of the law or by hearing with faith? Are you so foolish? Having begun by the Spirit, are you now being perfected by the flesh? Did you suffer so many things in vain—if indeed it was in vain? Does he who supplies the Spirit to you and works miracles among you do so by works of the law, or by hearing with faith—just as Abraham “believed God, and it was counted to him as righteousness”?
GALATIANS 3:1-6I am only beginning to understand but what I do understand puts me on my knees and I feel hope. Hope that He is beginning to truly peel away my pride and give me confidence in Him alone. When my faith rests securely in Him alone, Scripture comes alive. I am alive. In Him."I am the door. If anyone enters by me, he will be saved, and will go in and out and find pasture . . . I came that they may have life and have it abundently."JOHN 10:9-10
1 comment:
Oh, now I know what you were talking about Sunday afternoon! You have been doing a lot of thinking and I had better pay better attention at Bible Study on Thursdays and to Pastor's message on Sunday! :)
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