. . . to walk humbly

This verse has been echoing through my mind the last two days . . . .

"He has shown you, O man, what is good. And what does the
LORD require of you but to do justice, to love kindness, And to walk humbly with your God." Micah 6:8

I found it strange today when I noticed myself quoting it over and over in my mind. I have not read it recently . . . nor was it brought to my attention from any outside source.

Yet it strangely encompasses everything that the Lord has taught me this week. Or . . . it encompasses everything that the Lord has begun teaching me . . . which I know will be an on going lesson until death swallows up my prideful flesh.

Thursday evening the last "thing" pushed my tired, mentally exhausted self over the edge. I was venting to Luke . . . lamenting the fact that by the time he got home from work he was getting the "leftovers" of my physical and emotional strength . . . which was nothing. One of the surfacing issues was Ezekiel. My ventations ran, "I have failed miserably. He is still not obedient most of the time - and I can't get a thing done. If I try to work in the kitchen, he is pointing to something and asking for it. I give it to him, only to have him whine for something else in two minutes. Mentally I am always analyzing if I should grant his request or not. Am I spending enough time with him? He plays by himself if he is forced to be in a confined space, but otherwise he is demanding. I keep thinking about the baby . . . and it's the most humbling thing in the world for me . . . but I have to admit that I really believe I will go crazy when the demand increases."

I felt stupid for saying all of it. And for months I had not because my pride would not let me verbalize that I was tired. With only one child. It's one thing to feel like a failure . . . but more painful to admit it all to the one person whose opinion I value more than anyone else on earth.

My man pulled through again. I had some assignments for the next day . . . had a feeling that Ezekiel was going to wonder "what happened to Mama" because of it. The morning took some adjusting but I think he enjoyed the afternoon with a mom who wasn't exhausted. And I actually had time and energy to play hard with him. I don't just want to train him to "do" and "do not." Eventually, I want there to be a relationship between us that he doesn't want to damage because we enjoy being together. I want there to be a desire to be pleasing. How else will he learn to desire the sweet fellowship of the Lord and fear quenching the Holy Spirit? Not because of mere painful consequences. But because of a love for the fellowship that can only be maintained by walking humbly with the Lord - completely submitted to His will.

I despise the fact that child training has to have any up and down to it. When I know that I have failed, I will look at each situation differently. My little one's behavior will be changed into something very enjoyable to be around. I can't get enough of my obedient happy Mr. Blueberry eyes. But without knowing it . . . I start enjoying more and assuming the best of him because he has been "so good lately." The line slides before my eyes and yet I am blinded.

It has surfaced my own inability to raise a child apart from God. Allison cannot successfully raise even one child apart from abiding in Christ. For the first time . . . I am ok with that. I am grateful to the Lord for allowing me to fail when I strive on my own. It has been a huge blow to my pride. I want to learn how to walk humbly with my God. I have no desire for a well behaved child who has no desire for a relationship with the Savior. How can my children desire something at a young age unless it is lived out before them? I pray that I might always fail unless HE is being allowed to love my children through me.

Failing as a wife hurts a little deeper. And maybe, in a mere week, my view of marriage has been largely changed. I am grieved by how often I make an idol out of my husband. In my immaturity I view loving my husband as being blindly adoring and thus, him fulfilling all of my desires because his desires are met. But instead, we are both sinful humans who are more prone to love ourselves than each other. Adoring someone with the hopes of being loved isn't love. It's idolatry. It's living for man instead of living for God.

I am grateful that my husband doesn't "push" as much as I sometimes would like. That he doesn't dote over me when I struggle. All I often desire in my struggle is for him to come and be the hero. I want him to say the right thing or show me affection. I don't want to struggle alone. It feels lonely . . . like I'm not even "loved." But that's exactly where God wants me. Alone. With Him and His Word. He still wants my whole heart - married or unmarried . . . the lesson has not changed. I know that Luke loves me . . . and lately I have half suspected that God Himself is keeping him from being there when I feel like I "need him." We can have no love for each other unless Christ would be the very essence of our lives. I must go to Him. I must struggle before HIM if I am to learn how to walk humbly. Then how sweet and undemanding is our love for one another. Quick to forgive and grateful for every day that we have to walk this earthly journey together.

I want to remember what the Lord is teaching me . . . even though writing when I am prego and tired will most likely result in long ramblings and run on sentences. :-) I must find some rest for tonight . . .