Not my Child

Yesterday, Ezekiel turned one month old. The day got me thinking . . . about my little boy and, more specifically, everything that God has taught me through the experience of being a mother.

I remembered how my hope of having him born at home was dashed to the ground within the first few months of pregnancy. All of the fear that I traveled through thinking that I was going to have to have my baby in the hospital - how I finally came to a place of trusting God alone and letting go of people and methods. Then, how God used something that seemed so awful (having hydronephrosis for the last six weeks of my pregnancy) to actually grant me the desire of my heart!

I remembered how much I battled with my pride when it came to labor. I wanted to do it all naturally and I told myself that if I couldn't, I would be a wimp and a failure. I wanted to prove to myself that I could do something hard, follow through, do it right - for my baby. For my baby? Yeah right. For my own selfish pride. The Lord and I spent time on that one . . . until I finally laid it down and determined to rely on Him and give Him ALL of the glory for whatever the outcome.

I remembered those first few nights of trying to learn how to care for a newborn. Which cries did I need to just let go? Which ones should I watch for? How could I know if he was hurting? What if I made a wrong decision and it affected him negatively? It really bothered me to hear him cry the first couple of nights. Good ol' fashion fear again. I have a very distinct memory of one night when I was lying in bed just praying for wisdom. Tired. Emotional. Not knowing what to do. I was convicted to yield my child. But what about infant death and all of the other weird things that "might" happen?? I wrestled with the Lord. If He took my child, could I still say that He was sovereign? That His ways are always perfect? Lots of soul searching - then a sweat place of yielded rest.

All in all the lesson has been strung throughout these experiences: Allison, this is not your life. This is not your child. This is not your will. It is not about you. It is My life, lived through you, for My glory.

May Christ be magnified.