Again

Sometimes I feel as though I am simply running through life – somehow never really living.

As I cram from one test to the next, rejoice when each week is finally over, rush from one job to the next, and struggle to keep God in the center of my life and attention . . . something is not right about the culture and the life that I find myself in.

I have never had such a difficult time discerning God’s will. Before, it has been true that I struggled to obey it, but never that I struggled to know it. Just when I think that I am in the center of it, He changes my life and I open my eyes to see the life that I know crumbling into pieces before my eyes. So I travel through the cycle of pain, yieldedness, rejoicing, and then moving on. I am so emotionally weary.

This week it happened again. But why should that catch me by surprise? Why does every twist and turn in this path take my breath away with unanticipated pain? Is my heart so hard that God must break it so frequently?

I do not want another change in direction

I do not want another cycle of yieldedness. I weary even in my rejoicing because it is accompanied by fear. It is as if the rejoicing “phase” always comes right before my heart is ripped in a thousand pieces – again.

I do not want to make another decision about work, college, or anything else.

I am weary of it all . . .

Oh Lord, forgive my selfish heart that does not want to keep traveling. I will glorify You through my life. Not because I have the strength to, not because I think that You will change the way that You are working in my life, but because You have chosen me and I made You my Lord.