Every time I bow my head in prayer today I am convicted by this phrase. "Am I enough?" My mouth says, "Yes" as my heart screams, "no!" Is the Lord enough or do I need relationships? The last four days has tested how much I rely on others instead of relying on Christ.
Sunday afternoon our family sat around the family room just talking. Chris sank into a chair and started running his hands through his hair and rubbing his eye brows. I knew right away that something was going to change. He was thinking; for sure. Finally, he said, "I have to tell Nate tomorrow. I can't go through with this. I just don't have a peace about going to Washington State." His words didn't shock me, although I was not prepared for what he said in any way. In fact, I just stared at him as if he hadn't said anything of significance. The phone rang and the conversation was interrupted.
Later that night Chris flopped himself across my bed. I watched him from my desk as he tossed around and moaned, nervous about how his employer was going to handle his decision. I went over to give him a hug. Every resolve to hold my composure completely evaporated. I knew that it was for real this time. He would leave for BJU, and in only 10 weeks.
I am so pound of my bro! He sacrificed a lot of financial gain and business experience by making the decision that he did. Yet, he is a free man! His spirit of freedom is so evident. His smile is 10 miles wide 24 hours a day. I love to watch him. His joy comes from walking in God's will and knowing that his decision is honorable in the sight of his Lord.
Even as I smile in pride, the tears continue to fall. This is my best friend, employer, spiritual leader, brother, second father, protector, encourager, and hero. Good grief, I miss him when I go on a day trip somewhere or when he stays late at work! What will it be like to have him be on the other side of the country?
I am learning to trust that God can be everything and more than Chris has ever been to me. It as if the Lord keeps prodding me with that question. "Am I enough?" In the last week the Lord has seen fit to take a friend from me, show me that my brother is leaving for college, and take my job. He has been pulling everything out from under me that I used to rely on for happiness. He has left me with only Him. Is that enough?
Pray for me, as I learn to trust that He will be and is everything that I need.
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