DAY BY DAY

One Year

2012-02-06T13:48:00.000-08:00

Dear Charis,

You have just turned one. Mama is so thankful that you are my little girl and a part of our family. I just plain love who you are . . . my little fireball. You're my kind of girl.

I thought that your brother Zeke was busy and a climber until you came along. You climb as high as you can and squeal in frustration when there is nothing by which to aid you climbing higher. You grin. You giggle. You run. You are passionate and animated.

God made you unique. Different from your siblings or even your dad and mom. While you were still in my womb He knit you together. He formed you. He gave you your life and your being. He made a way for you to be saved by sending His Son to die on your behalf. Now He desires a relationship with you. Daddy and I pray each day that He will draw you. Awaken you. Cause you to be born again. Then you will have hope . . . in Christ alone.

One year ago, you were born into a sinful world. Even at your young age, you are in a body of sin and of death. But Charis, if you die with Christ then one day you will also live with Him. You will be free from the bondage of sin and death. Death will no longer have dominion over you. There will be no condemnation for you, regardless of what you have done.

Your name means grace. Grace is the unmerited favor of God. There is nothing in you worthy of Him and His love. Yet God desires and loves you. He wants to call you His own. If you put your trust completely in Him and what He has done then you will understand your middle name - Jubilee. Your debt of sin will be paid. Christ will be your redeemer. You will be free.

I know that as you grow you will see all of my weaknesses and you will be a first hand witness to my failures. I don't want to hide those things from you. I am only a sinner, saved by grace. My plea goes before the Lord each day to help me to love and demonstrate His love to you and your brother. I want to live for Him by loving your daddy and siblings. But my selfish nature still wants to live for myself. I find myself being a lover of pleasure rather than a lover of God. Learn from my weaknesses. Try to see past me and to the One who is a perfect heavenly Father. Read His Word and by that, know Him in truth.

I love you, my little bundle of life and joy. Thanks for being my girl.

Love,

Mama

These are the good days . . .

2012-01-05T21:40:00.000-08:00

This was written weeks ago but I never published the post. It was a good reminder to me this sleepless night . . .

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Luke is working late so I have a minute here to sit and write . . .

How I fight against being discontent while I am pregnant. I fight it nearly the whole way through. First trimester? Can't wait for the exhaustion and morning sickness to fade. Second? Really wish that my baby belly would just pop out there so that I would look prego instead of just plain fat. Third? Can we be done already? I'm exhausted. Huge. Trying to find a second every few seconds to run to the bathroom again. :-)

In my laundry room I have decorative plates hung on the wall. They were my grandma's. One of them reads, "The time to be happy is now."

It's been my constant nudge the past eight months.

These are the good days. Now is the season to rejoice.

-----------------------------

While preparing our home for our little girl I have struggled finding a balance between doing and being. I think my husband and children like me more when I take time to "be" a little. *Smile* Dirty floors don't seem so bad when everyone is living in sweet fellowship. A perfect home is hard to enjoy in stress and impatience.

I was praying this morning, asking for wisdom before my feet hit the floor. I was feeling disconnected from Zeke. He seemed different. Not rebellious really or disobedient. Just not himself. Didn't want to help me with things like usual. Just kind of quiet and always doing his own thing.

Two thoughts formed in my mind as I prayed. "Don't with hold instruction from him." "Take time for him." Everything was about the same though all day until this evening. I let him stay up late as Luke headed back to work. He's a bit like his Mama when it comes to going to sleep. I remember lying in bed as a little girl, looking at the clock read 1am, totally tired but unable to sleep. Zeke talks and sings in there for hours sometimes and it reminds me of my own sleepless childhood days.

So we were up late together, putting away the baby clothes that I had washed and folded. I showed him some of the little sleepers, hats and dresses . . . explaining that they were for the baby. He seemed enthralled and so sweet. He would hand me stacks from the basket as I organized the drawers. He put a hat on top of my big belly and grinned.

We smiled. Prepared. Worked. Hugged. Giggled together over whatever.

I silently thanked the Lord for the moments of good fellowship. He hears me when I call to Him. He knows the longing and the desires of my heart.

Such knowledge humbles me.

He desires fellowship with me like I desire fellowship with my children.

With Him there is sweet and perfect peace . . . in every season.

Back at Home

2012-01-02T21:01:00.001-08:00

Back at home after three blissful days at the beach . . . just Luke and I.

After all, that is how this crazy exhausting reality began, eh? :-)

Zeke is playing on our bed after his bathroom trip. He turns majorly giggly after 8 o'clock. Tonight his giggle seems extra delightful to me . . . as do Charis' soft and chubby cheeks. Three days is about the max for me without my little bundles.

No pictures.

We were too busy "being" to memory take.

2011-12-12T15:14:00.000-08:00

I love you more. :-)

Thank you . . .

For being my best friend.

The one I would rather be with than anyone else.

For loving me in every bodily condition and mood.

I would have lost patience with me.

For being a better father to our children than I could have dreamed of.

You are consistent. Patient. Protective. Fun.

For doing dishes and changing diapers.

The help seems romantic these days. :-)

I love being your wife.

I love it more now than I did at the beginning.

I used to be ok with dying young.

But now I want to live as long as I can, loving you.

Your babies are the cutest . . . you still ok with the dozen? ;-)

I love you.

Little Bits of Life

2011-12-12T15:02:00.001-08:00

Charis with Uncle Chris and Aunt Jee-Eun on Thanksgiving day. How did a week go by that quick? And how did I manage to take so few pictures? :-/

How does one go from hating the baths to loving them?

It was a chilly Sunday morning. Zeke got up and got sweats and a fleece out. Then socks. Then another pair of socks - for his hands. :-) Peeling his daily banana was more difficult though.

My Helpers

I always ask Zeke as I put clothes away and he is, inevitably, in the basket. "Zeke, do you know why my laundry is so heavy?" He looks up at me and grins.

Charis moves faster than I have ever seen a baby move when the fridge opens. She wants to stand there. Badly. :-)

Once Upon A Time

2011-12-09T15:22:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time there was a silly little girl . . .

Every Christmas she dreamed of going with her own family. A tall, commanding husband; happy, playful children, to get their own tree.

Cutting it down in the cold.

Drinking hot coco.

After all, she had good memories of doing just that as a child.

It seemed romantic.

And then - before she hardly had time to know what was happening to her - it was all true.

It was reality.

It was romantic.

Even though in her childish dreams . . .

There was no reality of it being 37 degrees and trying to keep a 10 month old baby warm.

There was no little two year old boy who decided to go wading in a knee deep puddle in such temperatures. Or tearful requests of a change of clothing afterwards.

There was no potty training or going off to "find a tree." Ha. ;-)

The tall, commanding husband was not short. Witty. Quiet. Loving. Or downright cute. :-)

It was beautiful.

It started to feel like Christmas.

This dreaming girl decided . . . for the hundredth time over . . . the reality was better than dreams.

She was grateful.

Nine Months of Preciousness

2011-11-16T10:29:00.000-08:00

She always has her tongue sticking out. :-)

She "blows" her food now . . . since she saw Mama do it.

This girl is "nicknameable."

Cute and cuddly she just begs for a nickname . . . one to be whispered in her ear as you kiss her soft cheeks.

She cuddles in a rough and tumble, playful way.

Always smiling.

Photo credit: Robyn Copper - Masterpiece Photography

a letter for later . . .

2011-11-04T14:57:00.000-07:00

It's one of the those days where I shouldn't be blogging. Laundry is piled on the couch, dishes are in the sink and this weekend will be full. But . . . somethings never get done if I don't just stop to do it. And I have felt compelled to write a letter to my little Ezekiel for some time now.

He's changing so quickly. I don't want to forget. Some days I wish that I could freeze time. I love this little boy . . .

Dear Zeke,

You are only two years old but I have already grown to love you so much. You have already taught your Mama a lot about life. God has used you to brighten my days, bring daddy and I joy, and show me all of my inconsistencies and weaknesses.

Thank you for being patient with me while I learn how to be a Mother. You're the first. You're the one I have to learn on. Some days I look back on my mistakes and wish there was another way . . . one that would be easier on both of us. :-) You are already patient. Quick to forgive me. You have forgotten my failures in a few moments . . . you don't hold a grudge . . . you laugh and play with me again.

Your middle name should have been "Compassion." You are my little comfort! Mama has had a bad burn on her arm for a couple of weeks now. Whenever you see it on my arm you run to the bathroom, get the container of herbal salve, and bring it to me to put on. When Charis falls or hurts herself you run to get her favorite blanket - or you give her your own - and follow it up with a kiss.

You haven't been two for long but you already help me and work hard. You are always happy to get socks for Charis, put dirty clothes in the basket, and I hardly ever make anything in the kitchen without you! When we go to leave you get my shoes for me, a blanket for Charis, and open the garage door. You run out to the garage to get milk or yogurt from the fridge if we run out inside. You're smart and you love to be a part of the family.

Your sense of humor keeps mommy smiling. Yesterday when we finished practicing quiet time I thanked you and said, "Zeke you did a good job being quiet." You grinned at me and let out a big ol' scream. :-) Sometimes I forget that you understand every word that I say to you because you don't say anything. Well, besides, "Ma!" . . . and your random words like, "Hot, boom, ask, and self-control." ;-)

Well, enough about your good qualities. :-) You want to be in control. Rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft and rebellion is right under the surface . . . coming to light ever so easily. The desire to dominate will be alive in your flesh the rest of your days. Daddy and I are working to teach you how to submit to authority so that you can be happy and obedient. I love to see you happy but that's not my biggest motivation . . . I so desire that you be able to submit to God one day. I don't want you to be so programmed to be in control that you struggle more than necessary to give God control of your life and put your trust completely in Him for salvation. It would grieve me to be a stumbling block in the process of you coming to salvation. Now, no worries, Mama embraces the sovereignty of God through-and-through. But God does appoint the means as well as the end result.

So, my little Ezekiel, if someday you have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, I will be quite satisfied. If you are struggling to know if you know him, or struggling to lay your will down so that He can be Lord . . . just keep reading Scripture. Feast on it. Meditate on it. Memorize it. God's Word will never return unto Him void.

I love you.

Your blondish-brown hair. Your big blue eyes. Your sense of humor. Your compassion. Your rocks in your pockets. Your favorite blankets. Your messes in the kitchen and finger prints on the windows.

There is nothing greater than to know Him who blessed me with you.

Love,

Mama

Sometimes . . .

2011-10-19T21:13:00.000-07:00

Sometimes . . .

In the midst of life

In the midst of children

In the midst of being my husband's helper

In the midst of organizing

Washing.

Preparing.

Going.

I forget to remember

That Christ hug on a cross

He bled.

He suffered.

He died.

For me.

Not because I deserve His mercy.

But simply because He chose to love me.

He adopted me.

Not to improve His own circumstances . . . He was already perfect. He was already God.

But He loved me.

He made me His own; though it required great sacrifice.

I feel so undone and ungrateful.

For I know that I live days where I don't declare how grateful I am.

Christ died for our sins, according to the Scriptures . . . O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory? . . . thanks be to God who giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

No Secrets

2011-10-18T14:51:00.000-07:00

My husband does a bad job keeping secrets from me.

I'm glad.

I guess that sounded derogatory about him; but it is anything but that.

He could have tried harder, I'm sure.

I could have nagged him less. No doubt! :-)

But alas. He found out the gender of our precious little baby and I did not.

Then I got giddy excited and asked him to tell me 101 times in five hours.

Then he slipped at dinner - but covered well.

Then he slipped again and grinned.

End of story.

It's a . . .

GIRL!! :-)

So handsome, will you be Zeke's play mate while I take care of the girls?
Love you, more and more and more . . .

The Patch

2011-10-08T20:54:00.000-07:00

Zeke, being sweet.

He is in a serious phase of collecting rocks and sticks. These are the treasures he selected . . . going in the pockets. Laundry has never been so diverse.

Daddy showed him which way to go and then had to go first 'cuz Zeke wasn't so sure.

A kiss for Sis!

Luke got up with the kiddos this morning. He did the early morning feeding at 6:30 . . . then he got up for good at 7:15 with Zeke. I offered a weak, "I'll get up with him babe." But Luke jumped up, declared that I needed sleep more than he did, and took care of everything. This last week was so busy . . . I was grateful for the rest.

So I came out two hours later to two little ones being well taken care of by my handsome husband. And some laundry was getting done too. I was impressed.

It was so beautiful and sunny. We decided to pack up and go to the pumpkin patch with the kids. Really, Luke took all four of his "kiddos" to the pumpkin patch. I love all things out doors and simple, dirty fun. I rush off to get dirty with the kids and Luke remembers the towels, shoes, jackets and that we need to eat meals at regular times for the children.

Perfect pair, eh? :-)

I like Autumn . . . I like hats . . . I LOVE Charis

2011-10-03T21:46:00.000-07:00

This would be perfect to chew on!

My little Charis is 8 months old today.

This little girl . . . hmm . . . I just can't get over her. Couldn't stop kissing her head this morning. She woke up so sweetly.

She has been an efficient crawler for two months now. This girl came out moving (she literally "rolled over" between her head and shoulders being born. Apparently she had an opinion about what position she preferred to be in and didn't appreciate the midwife "moving" her. :-)) She hasn't stopped moving or having an opinion on the matter since.

But she's smart and trainable. :-)

She's a happy - happy baby. It's no chore to encourage a smile from her.

I hope that she grows up strong in spirit with a beautiful love for the Lord. I would love to watch a mover and shaker. Go-getter people make me smile.

Charis makes me smile.

Daddy's Boy . . . Mama's Girl

2011-10-03T21:07:00.001-07:00

Last night was a sleepless one for a while. That's not terribly uncommon for me . . . but it feels uncommon to have empty hours in which to think and read.

Romans 8 has been a favorite for me during this past year. It has become what Isaiah 43 was to me the year before. I read it and read it and then crave to read it again. Each time my soul feels thirsty and it's new; only better. Yet, I cannot comprehend the half of it.

I may never under the creation being subjected unwillingly to futility. That's ok. There is a lot of peace in serving a God who has a thought processes so far above your own that you cannot fathom it. It would be a frighting thing to trust my life to a God whom I could understand or reason with. He created me and the world in which I live. The concepts which are reality to me (time, space, light, distance) were "invented" by Him. Who could have dreamed up the system of time? The entire realm of creation leaves me worshiping Him in silence.

Where was I? Ah, Romans 8 and last night's late night journey. :-)

I read this section last night: "If God be for us, who can be against us? He that spared not His own Son but delivered Him up for us all . . . " Would I deliver my little Ezekiel over to die in order to save those who, in this life, would never fully appreciate the reality of being saved from an eternity in hell? I am persuaded that my answer will forever be a resounding "no!" Nor will I struggle to change my feelings on the matter, for I am not God. My prayer is only that I would hold my children before the Lord with an open hand. For they are not my own.

There is a reality of a struggle in my thoughts daily to not place my happiness . . . security . . . identity in my children. I am a follower of Christ first and for most. In Christ alone, my hope is found. Because of Christ I have a great love for my husband. And children thrive in such an abode. :-) But when children consume so much time - energy - resources - thought, it is only natural to make them everything. Only by His grace can it be anything different.

In this reality there is great freedom. For when my children misbehave or even behave in a manner that takes me by surprise and leaves me wondering why and what to do . . . it is no longer a personal insult or an attack on my identity. It is nothing more than circumstance in which to consult my Savior about and then obey Him in the matter. His Word is rather clear and a selfless love for my child's benefit aids the conclusion. :-) And I suppose sometimes people may think that I am irresponsible and others conclude that I am too harsh and make too much of everything. But for the first time . . . there is freedom from the worry of wondering over it. I can obey my Savior and be done and find complete joy in Him alone.

I am sure that He could not have placed me in any "work" that I would have loved more.

Charis is playing at my feet as a write . . . Ezekiel is snug in his bed with his favorite blankets and "Ted." I will hear him call to me in the morning, "Mom, mom." I will fall asleep next to the man who has become my best earthly friend. I will awake knowing that my Savior lives; because He does I have no fear of death and there is great joy in living until I see Him face to face.

real life photos

2011-09-25T20:50:00.000-07:00

Just some snap shots of the last few weeks. They are not all "good photography" or even good pictures . . . but they serve their purpose in freezing a little bit of time.

So here's to the walks, canning some peaches with two little helpers, sibling piano time, trying out the new bunk bed, and baths and bottles. :-)

unfeeling feelings

2011-09-15T21:51:00.000-07:00

I rest grateful tonight.

Grateful that my Savior never changes . . . never ceases to comfort me, strengthen me, humble me . . . sometimes even seemingly laugh with me.

Prayer as a mom is a different thing for me some days.

Some days it is sleepless nights of long conversations, conviction, working things through.

Some days it is waking before the kiddos and laying there reading and talking with Him.

Every day it is little "chats" of asking for forgiveness and grace as I stumble and learn as I go.

Some days it is questioning if what I am doing is right . . .

Some days it is pitiful stories of frustration as I sit on the floor in the midst of disorder, disobedience, misunderstandings, exhaustion, or sickness.

Life is diverse nearly every day though I love our general routine and schedule. But really. Some things . . . like blowouts, training sessions, soy sauce being poured all over my counter top, stove burns and vomiting babies . . . just don't "schedule" well. As a side note: that all happened today in less than one hour. My morning inspiration of being nicely dressed, having a yummy lunch prepared for my husband, happy children, and a clean home failed despite my "planning." But that is a bunny trail . . .

The unchanging nature of God has never been more comforting than it is right now, in this phase of life.

He leaves me in awe of Himself.

Because I am forever changing even as I crave some degree of something called "normal."

My relationship with God can "feel" so different from time to time.

I remember the three week period of time after recovering from Charis' birth and before getting pregnant again. I remember this incredible thing that I dream of now . . . energy. Just plain love for living that isn't clouded over by exhaustion. Our relationship then felt very sure. Stable. Things seemed clear and I could mentally take a lot in. I learned and I loved learning. I felt.

Then I was too exhausted to feel anything.

At first guilt set in . . . like I didn't care . . . nor did I care too much about the not caring. I was just existing.

That phase started to fade around the time something unusually strangely weird was brought up in our path. We felt like God was asking us to do something. Something neither of us wanted to do. Something that didn't make sense. Something that would drain our finances and make us look irresponsible.

So came the sleepless nights. The "wrestling" with God. The doubting. Finally resting in the fact that God knows our desires. He knows that we want to be pleasing to Him. He isn't going to just allow us to go too far down a wrong path without correcting us. We were content to walk by faith and wait for Him to stop us if this direction was false.

That time brought with it so much conviction. It was a time of being humbled. Mentally, I always thought that Luke and I could "handle" having more money than we needed for our daily needs. We always told the Lord that we would give it to whoever He asked us to. My happiness wasn't wrapped up in it. But my security was. Now I could label it whatever kind of wonderful "Christian / American" term that would seem appropriate. "Responsible." "Advantageous." "Just plain wise because we have two small children with another on the way." But it was none of those things really . . . it was merely a god. Something that I put my trust in.

But the Lord can show us these things and He is so forgiving. Oh, to think that He cares enough to convict us and soften our hearts!

Now I "feel" almost strong again in the Lord.

He has stirred in me a desire to live something out before my children for His glory.

Faith.

Even when it doesn't "look right" - "seem right" - "feel right."

Maybe if the Lord so worked in my life so that I wasn't afraid to be a fool for Him . . . then maybe my children would grow up never doubting that God is who He says He is . . . even in the midst of our anti-God, socialistic, materialistic, perverted culture.

It will have to be all of Him.

But I feel humbled that He has asked me to follow Him for this journey. There is peace. Knowing that He will never change. Knowing that I don't have to gauge my "spirituality" by how I feel or don't feel. Knowing that He cares enough to keep me in His will. Knowing that He doesn't need my "help." :-) Knowing that He loves my children more that I could ever possibly.

Knowing that I can trust in Him alone.

. . . just no brains for blogging

2011-08-08T15:11:00.000-07:00

I have been operating in "survival" mode for a couple of months now . . . which means that I do what needs doing and nothing beyond. That negates blogging. But alas, I have received a loving request for an update and feel compelled to comply because I like the person who requested. ;-)

Actually, a lot has happened in a month! We're expecting our third child, though the news is well circulated by now. I'm over the shock I think. Excited. Very. :-) My grand plans of nursing a lot and introducing solids later than typical to provide "nice" recovery time between children was changed by Someone who has better plans than I.

All hope for my kidney condition to be "fixed" by preventive surgery had faded and I was left a little confused. Pain is a part of living in a fallen world and I am okay with that. But what was God saying by it? "Stop having children?" or "You can't do this without me, Allison . . . and here is a pain that makes you incapacitated just in case you start to forget?" *laughter* Luke and I weren't quite sure. We prayed about not having more children. I told Luke, "I want to be yielded to what He has for us . . . but if it was up to me I would want more . . . and more than one more." :-) From the first time that Luke and I discussed children neither of us were stuck to a number or determined to have as many as possible. :-) We simply thought that Christ should be Lord over it . . . just like everything else in our lives. So we agreed that we would delight ourselves in Him and wait for Him to take the desire for more children away if He chose to.

He did not so choose. :-) Instead He worked against the odds. It looks like I will have babies almost exactly one year apart with a mischievous two and a half year old to keep things laughable.

Hence, me living in survival mode at the beginning of this pregnancy.

I have come to believe that the art of motherhood is in learning to live happily exhausted.

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As for other fun things in life . . .

Luke and I celebrated our third anniversary. My husband is always so sweet about remembering everything and planning something for us to do. He always gives me options. He lists out ideas for the day . . . including where we would go and where we could eat out or picnics we could pack. It always takes me hours to decide what we should do. Every anniversary before we have gone to the beach. This year it won again and we took the kids with us. Charis pretty well has to go where we go and we knew Zeke would enjoy it so we loaded 'em up and had the greatest time together.

Zeke saw the ocean (for the first time since he was 2 months old) and started laughing and running toward the water. It reminded me of myself. The ocean just does that to me. It always compels me to run. To get wet. To laugh and get dirty and act like a kid. It was so fun to do it with my little boy.

It was a sweet quiet day of celebrated what God did in bringing us together. I don't think that I will ever get over how many great and awesome things the Lord did and how He glorified Himself through it all . . . not because of me but in spite of me. The beginning of our relationship through to our early marriage was the hardest time I had ever walked through. Life is never what we think it is going to be. But God does all things well.

I know that I didn't fully realize what He was giving me in Luke when we got married . . . or I may have tried to convince Luke that he could do better than me. :-) It's the little things that make me respect him and some silly things make me fall in love with him over and over again.

Like when he prays about something that I consider "small" and God always seems to show us something through it and answer his simple request. His faith is strong.

Like realizing that he really hasn't known the Lord for a long period of time but he knows way more about Scripture than I do and leads in such a real way. Not hour long devotions or pious prayers. Just a simple chapter morning and evening not because he has to but because he has a desire to please the Lord and keep his thoughts focused on truth. His consistency in coming before the Lord with me has been a rock of stability in an ever changing time.

Like never growing weary of loving a wife who is pregnant half her life and sick the rest. (Well . . . not really but it feels like it right now!) A man who comes home, sees that you are exhausted, is grateful that you got a simple dinner on the table and does the dishes for you.

Like letting me be me and smile at me when he sees my passionate and dramatic side. Encouraging me to start new things or learn whatever catches my attention.

I love that he does so many things so well. I trust him more than I trust myself to do just about everything. Even selecting my produce, flowers, and clothing. :-) He has the greatest taste.

I love the times when we are driving together and say nothing and it's okay.

I cherish the nights that we lay in bed and talk . . . and talk . . . and talk. 'Cause we are best friends and there seems to be no end to learning about each other and sharing our thoughts.

-----------------

Okay. Enough ramblings of a tired pregnant girl. :-)

Photos from Zeke's birthday and our camping trip last week will have to come later . . .

My little Charis

2011-07-08T15:25:00.001-07:00

This little girly is so much fun.

I love the way that she is so different from Zeke. She is her own self completely.

I love that she never stops moving . . . except when she sleeps. I have a feeling that she is going to live life to the fullest. She's going to get things done and not stop moving until she does.

I love that she adores her daddy. Luke can't even sit next to me while I feed her. She insists on looking and smiling at him whenever he is around. I know the feeling. I don't get much done with Luke around either. :-)

I love watching Zeke with her. Charis does this high pitched noise when she is happy. Zeke parrots her. Last night they were both laying on the floor, doing it back and forth . . . Zeke was laughing and laughing.

I am grateful that she is healthy (though she is still so tiny that I think of her as a newborn).

She's another ray of sunshine in this beautiful, crazy life.

learning to build

2011-07-08T15:17:00.000-07:00

Zeke got to hang out with his daddy and papa as they worked on his bunk bed. This bed is all together now thanks to my handsome husband and help from Luke's dad! I'm very ready for the drawers that will be underneath as extra storage. Although, this house is so full of storage that I am beside myself as it is!

. . . now for sanding and staining.

2011-07-08T14:58:00.000-07:00

Zeke used to do this thing where, every time his will was denied, he would cover his eyes with his hands. I was telling Luke's mom about it and she said one of her kiddos did that too . . . she thought it was Luke. Luke and I thought it was funny. Not the bad attitude - but the fact that Luke did the same as a kid. So one night at dinner I told Zeke about it. He laughed hysterically! And now he only does it as a joke. You can see his grin in this picture as he "hides" himself.

Sometimes Charis gets out of the stroller and has fun too but she's pretty happy either way.

2011-05-28T21:33:00.000-07:00

Charis smiling 'cause her daddy was talking to her

She likes being on her stomach

Zeke came over to see why sis was starting to cry . . .

Maybe a hug will help? Sweet big brother

Having fun with Uncle Jacob

He loves the sand table that Grandpa and Grandma got for him

He lives in the illusion that everything is there for his climbing enjoyment. Nothing is "out of the reach" of this child. Chairs are moved all over creation to climb up to whatever is of interest. :-)

These are pictures of last week. When the weather was beautiful and I put off baths and mopping the floor because I knew we were just going to want to go out and have fun getting dirty. It was a beautiful week of enjoying my little ones.

This week? No pictures. Haha. :-) Sick kiddos and daddy . . . now me too. Nights of broken sleep . . . long days with little ones who didn't nap because laying down meant coughing attacks. Days where just getting a shower and fixing some food for us felt like an accomplishment. I think we are almost through it though . . .

Must go feed my little one and then get some rest . . .

My shadow. My joy.

2011-05-17T15:54:00.000-07:00

This is where I like him . . . right along side me. Helping me do everything. Some days it feels like nothing gets done this way. But I'm really not too determined to keep a perfect house or be "super mom" running everywhere and doing everything.

Really, my prayer in the mornings is a simple plea for Him to love my little ones through me and keep Himself and my husband in front of my children. I am so prone to prideful ambition . . . even when it comes to what seems good and right. But if it's not of Him - in His order, His time, His way, abiding in Him . . . it is all evil, empty hypocrisy.

I want my little boy to know that he has the ability to work. And work well.

Not because I plan on having child after child after child and need him, as the eldest, to do the work of it for me.

Perish the thought!

I want to wet his appetite for real life. I want him to see by working with me that God's design of work and family is good. Very good. I have never met a happy lazy person.

God gave Adam work to do before the fall of man.

Work is not a curse.

Fruitless labor, pain, and death are.

For Ezekiel, "work" is more desired right now than play anyway. I have to tell him to stay in his room where there are toys before he will "play" in a traditional sense.

When we go in the yard he wastes no time in setting to work, watering my flowers.

I was working in the kitchen yesterday after I had set him at his table to do puzzles. A short time later I heard him go to the hall closet. I observed him pulling the broom out. He marched over to where his table was and began to pull the chairs out and sweep under them. It was downright cute! His table is right in front of a window and, everyday without fail, there are little tiny bugs that appear on the floor as soon as the sun comes out. I had failed to sweep them up yet. Apparently he was quite disturbed and unable to concentrate on his puzzles until he did a bit of cleaning. ;-)

No, I am not completely naive.

I know that the day will come when he would rather run with the boys then sweep up my bugs.

Those will be good days too.

Right now I am just blissfully basking in the fact that my bundle of joy wants to be with me and praying that no mater how much my work load increases, I will never stop wanting him there. In my way. Right under my feet.

All day long.

Our home is packed . . .

2011-04-15T21:04:00.001-07:00

well . . . almost. I am amazed at how much we fit into 900 sq ft.

I am in awe of how much I could move the week before because 80% of our belongings are not needed on a daily basis. Life in America.

Seriously. :-)

This all seems very bittersweet right now. I know beyond all doubt this move is what the Lord has for us (more on that later) but this was Luke and my first home. And I have really loved this place.

Before we were married, my friend and I spent a whole day putting curtains up and making this place look like a home.

It wasn't all that long ago that Luke carried me into this sweet little place on our wedding night.

We knelt in the hallway to thank the Lord for arranging our marriage.

We have struggled here. Rejoiced. Cried (ok, so, only me and the kiddos. :-)) And watched the Lord do awing things, showing His great love for us.

A small place is good for early marriage disagreements. There is no where to go. No place to hide. So you work it out. :-)

Both Ezekiel and Chairs were born here. Yup, because I am one of those crazy "have your babies at home" people and so my babies have both been born in my bedroom.

We have signed the lease a few times over while we wondered what the Lord had for us and how long we would be here. I remember the last time we signed a lease so vividly.

We had been looking at homes to buy and saw nothing but closed doors. The lease was coming to an end and we had the option of a 3, 6, 9, or 12 month. We prayed. We had no idea! How does God speak to us about those practical things??

Luke came across Proverbs 16:33 and seemed enthralled with the concept of the depth of God's providence. "The lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the LORD." One evening, he suggested that we roll dice to see which lease He wanted us to sign. We would roll for each option . . . the highest number would win.

At first it seemed crazy to me. We both were weary of it because we didn't want it to be a "testing the Lord" thing where we flippantly rolled dice and then claimed it was the will of God. It's one of those things that we decided to do together and then didn't tell a soul! We felt crazy.

We told the Lord of our desire to do whatever would be pleasing to Him, acknowledged His sovereignty over all things, and then plunged forward.

The 3, 6, and 9 month leases were all pretty close together in the lower numbers. Then we rolled for 12 month. The dice read "11." A very clear win. I started laughing hysterically. Luke looked depressed. :-)

In February, my Grandpa married a wonderful lady who we are all glad to welcome into the family. This marriage resulted in an "extra" house. It was offered very generously to us to rent. He would leave the home in the middle of February. There were things to go through, furniture to sort, the entire interior to paint . . . about two months worth of work.

That brings us to April. The end of our one year lease.

"The lots is cast into the lap, but its every decision is of the Lord."

This is perfect timing.

Because our God is not only sovereign over the dice we roll in the present, but over every event in the future.

The topic of last Sunday's sermon? God's providence. The verse that our pastor began with? Proverbs 16:33.

We are leaving our first little home. But I am so excited . . .

He wants us in that home for a reason. Maybe just to bless us even though we don't deserve it.

I don't know.

My sovereign God knows all things.

Two Months

2011-03-31T15:37:00.001-07:00

This girl is strong. She seems determined to crawl.

Her coos and smiles are so sweet

Blissfully barefoot

My Partner in Baking

2011-03-31T15:20:00.001-07:00

We spent the first part of this morning baking in our pajamas. Hence, no pictures of me. :-)
Zeke seemed delighted when I pulled a chair over to where I had set things up . . . "come help mama make cinnamon rolls, Zeke." I love his smile. His big blue eyes. His love for climbing. His affectionate nature. His determination . . . which keeps me before the Lord for wisdom every single day.

The bread dough really isn't that sweet. But he tired some and liked it.

I'm thinking that his daddy will enjoy the end product tonight.

2011-03-29T14:11:00.001-07:00

You whisper to me
As the pain washes over you once more
"I can't do this"
You feel yourself sinking

I answer you with truth
My grace is sufficient
I will never leave you
You must learn to glory in your weakness

But you wallow in your pain
Though cries for help escape
I want to place you on the rock of truth
I long for you to flee to me . . . renew your mind

When you whispered "I can't" in the darkness
I find it to be a lie
Because you can flee to me
I have redeemed you

"I can't" means "I don't want to"

I created you for my glory
I want a love relationship with you
So may the wonder of pain hang over you
Until you find your all in Me

This is how great a love He has for me . . .

Just Like Daddy

2011-03-29T13:47:00.001-07:00

This little guy loves to climb. We were working one Saturday, painting and such, and turned to see this. I suppose if I was a "good mom" I would have directed him to come down at once . . . but I grabbed the camera instead. ;-)

One of Luke's "near death stories" involves him attempting to climb to the top of a water tower as a small child. (About Zeke's age if I am remembering correctly . . . ) Maybe Zeke is merely attempting to follow in his daddy's footsteps?

Whatever the case, I am grateful that Luke's mom was watchful, sensitive, and protective

. . . 'cause I can't image what life would be like without my wonderful husband.

One Month

2011-03-03T20:14:00.000-08:00

I have been meaning to write something with this post for a week. Somehow blogging is not high on the priority list. :-) But I have officially decided that I love being the mother of two children and that planning ahead is the key to success right now. Well . . . maybe not success . . . just the key to not sinking into insanity. I have had to say goodbye to the days of blonde, "fly by the seat of my pants" immaturity and actually think. And plan. My mother's lectures have born fruit - maybe. These days are so good for me and are over flowing with joy.

I have wanted to record the story behind Charis' name for a long while now. I do not want to forget any detail of what the Lord did . . .

My mom heard that I liked the name "Grace" for a girl and she came across "Charis" - the Greek word for grace. She wrote me a quick note with the name and pronunciation. I didn't like it. Seemed too weird to me and I thought for sure Luke wouldn't go for it. He liked it right off.

After my mom's note I kept running across this crazy name in Bible studies that I was doing. Luke came across it in something he was reading with Scripture one morning. It made us pause to think about it. I let myself consider it even though it wasn't on my "list." It grew on me.

Luke has prayed about the names that we choose for our children from the beginning. We talked about how we wanted everything to be pleasing to Him . . . even the little things. I didn't mind giving Him that area but it was out of my comfort zone a little. Like how was He going to tell me what to name my child?

This all happened when I was pregnant with Ezekiel and we felt rather sure that Charis was the name He had for us when we had a girl. God's grace seemed to be the theme of everything that He was teaching us. It was neat to see God bring the pieces together and confirm this to us.

But the middle name?

I remember sitting in the front lobby of Olive Garden, waiting for a table. Luke and I had been driving back from a Christian conference up north and I had thoughts swarming my mind on everything that I had heard. The simplicity of the gospel had been renewed in my mind; particularly the fact that I was in bondage because of sin but Christ had been my redeemer and set me free. I was thinking back to the old testament and the year of Jubilee. In the Hebrew culture, after every seven years, the debts were forgiven completely. Those who were enslaved because of their debt were set free. Grace. Freedom. I loved the truth of it. I loved that it was weaved all throughout Scripture from beginning to end. I liked how the two names sounded together.

I broke the silence between Luke and I as we waited that afternoon. "What do you think about 'Jubilee' for a middle name?" I was a little disappointed with the, "Um . . . doesn't do a lot for me." Hmm! But he asked for my thoughts behind it and said he would think about it.

So 'Zekiel was born and his name is another story all together - but there was no need to decide on the middle name issue for a girl.

After we found out that Charis was a girl Luke started praying about the middle name again. He asked for clear direction. I got scared again. You would think I would learn!! But no. My thoughts went, "How does God give us clear direction on a middle name??" Seems far fetched. Time is ticking. Let's just figure this out ourselves and be decisive for once. (I could just see this child being nameless for a week like Ezekiel had been). So glad that I am married to someone more patient than I. :-)

Two weeks later Luke and I were at Bible study - listening to a lecture. Toward the end, the lecturer asked us to turn to Leviticus 25 in our Bibles. His excitement and passion grew as he told us that he was going to show us the beautiful analogy between God's undeserved grace in our lives in accordance to salvation and the year of Jubilee that is explained in the Old Testament.

I was grinning. Totally amazed at God. It seemed clear to us. He had given us a name and confirmed it. Charis Jubilee. He has saved us and set us free. How earnestly we desire that she may know and believe and be persuaded of this truth.

I am falling in love with this name more and more. Strangers ask about her name because it is in the "unusual" category. :-) I feel amazed as I realize that God has arranged this all and people are asking me to explain the gospel to them without knowing it. Haha. :-) How great is our God?

Now we'll see . . . if I find myself pregnant again . . . if I will be any quicker to trust the Lord. :-)

chasing two little bundles of joy

2011-02-25T14:23:00.001-08:00

It's amazing how love grows until "yesterday" doesn't seem like true love. But it was. Just love at its beginning and this is love in the middle. :-) How I have enjoyed getting to know my little girl and He has given me an incredible love for both of my little bundles of joy.

Three generations. Yikes . . . I look tired. I remember with Ezekiel, while still getting up through the night, I would get so tired. I would just feel like crying. No hope of the end in sight yet . . . still so many weeks away until he could sleep through the night. This time around I haven't felt like crying yet - maybe because I truly feel that I do not have the time to waste. :-) I have become hilariously delusional at times though. My poor husband will gently say, "Allison, when did she eat last?" I respond with the time. He continues: "That's probably why she is crying, eh?" My response: "I am feeding her right now." He chuckles. "No, you are not." Oh brother! I have done so many things in my dreams and it has rightly been said at times that I am "out of it!" ;-)

Zeke is as sweet as ever with her. He is always trying to cuddle or kiss her and seems entertained by someone so small.

My handsome guys and little Charis at two days old . . .

My little book reader. He is my companion on the couch as I feed the baby. Most of the time, life isn't as crazy as I thought it would be. Sometimes it feels beyond crazy. :-)

Every child is different. This time around is so strange compared to Ezekiel. Ezekiel didn't get sick for the first 15 months of his life. Charis was sick on day two. Many nights were spent up trying to relieve her congestion. I would lay awake listening to her labored breathing . . . thinking that it seemed so wrong for a baby under 7 lbs to be sick. Praying for her healing - in His time. She is improving slowly and we are thankful for her health otherwise. (She is gaining weight rapidly and is a strong little thing. She has already rolled over from her stomach to back. I speak only the truth! She moved a lot inside me . . . even all during labor . . . and not much has changed).

More pictures to come soon . . .

apart from Him

2011-02-25T13:39:00.000-08:00

In the midst of so much joy . . . sorrow is mingled. Because of pride still held onto and lessons unlearned. Because pain is a part of living in a world that is not my home. Because sin has consequences that, though the sin be forgiven, will never vanish on this side of heaven. Because without pain I would prance through life quite content apart from God.

Luke and I are studying through Romans. I thought that I had a good grasp on grace and salvation. I am still convinced beyond all doubt that my past understanding has been enough for my trust to be placed completely in the One who died for me. And thus I am saved and know and love my great Savior. But I still understand so little . . .

Somehow, because my salvation was genuine and God transformed my life - changing me into a completely different creature - I unknowingly put confidence in myself. The change was from the heart . . . but it made its way into outward changes. Majorly. I had a mental list (though subconsciously) of things you "just couldn't do" if you had really been saved. How in the world . . . after understanding His great sacrifice? It was labeled as impossible. I would have gladly passed judgment on anyone who disagreed.

My pride was so deep . . . is so deep. Though transformed in the spirit, I put confidence in that which I could see. And then I fell. I still wrestle it all through in my mind. God does not tempt anyone. Yet He is sovereign. He used my sin. But may it never be suggested that He caused me to sin. I see now that the "greater" sin was that I allowed my fall to push me further away from Him instead of facing it head on . . . obeying His voice . . . being humbled by it . . . and fleeing to my Savior.

Now I am free. His voice has been heeded - though it took a great deal of time and unbelievable pressure and stress . . . even physical illness before I would bend the knee. Sometimes I still travel back to the place where I link the pain of today with the sin of yesterday.

But truly? Apart from Him I am nothing. No matter how "religious" or "sin free" my life is. Rather I had fallen or not. I would have still been simply a sinner - saved by grace.

The hymn is echoing through my mind (though I hate the melody haha!) "Only a sinner saved by grace . . . this is my story - to God be the glory. I am only a sinner saved by grace." .

How would Christ be glorified if salvation was of me? What purpose would there be for justification? None at all. God's Word would be blasphemed. It would all be a farce and a laughable fairy tail unless apart from Him . . . in my flesh . . . I am completely and utterly and altogether nothing.

In the struggles of today I hesitate in running to Him. Instead I conversationally tell Him how "this is my own fault" and I will "deal with it" and do the best I can. Am I still so slow to understand? Having begun in the Spirit am I now going to be perfected in the flesh? (Galatians 3 is coming alive . . . )

O foolish Galatians! Who has bewitched you? It was before your eyes that Jesus Christ was publicly portrayed as crucified. Let me ask you only this: Did you receive the Spirit by works of the law or by hearing with faith? Are you so foolish? Having begun by the Spirit, are you now being perfected by the flesh? Did you suffer so many things in vain—if indeed it was in vain? Does he who supplies the Spirit to you and works miracles among you do so by works of the law, or by hearing with faith—just as Abraham “believed God, and it was counted to him as righteousness”?

GALATIANS 3:1-6

I am only beginning to understand but what I do understand puts me on my knees and I feel hope. Hope that He is beginning to truly peel away my pride and give me confidence in Him alone. When my faith rests securely in Him alone, Scripture comes alive. I am alive. In Him.

"I am the door. If anyone enters by me, he will be saved, and will go in and out and find pasture . . . I came that they may have life and have it abundently."
JOHN 10:9-10

Charis Jubilee

2011-02-04T10:39:00.000-08:00

Charis: Grace
Jubilee: Freedom

Our little bundle of joy has come into the world! She's a peanut . . . 6 lbs 2 oz. Very precious.

We are so thankful . . .

ready. set. wait

2011-02-02T13:28:00.000-08:00

My little girl will be on her way into this world soon.

Soon is a relative term. :-)

I only rest grateful that she has been carried to term and that I worry very little for her health. She is always moving. I feel her so much more than I felt my little 'Zekiel.

My health is better than last time. By far. Such a wonderful lack of pain . . . and the most wonderful husband in the world who makes every other pain and discomfort feel less than it is. I fall asleep every night so grateful to be his wife and I know beyond all doubt that the Lord blessed me so far beyond what I deserve that it is altogether humbling.

The sweater that I have begun making for her (pictured above) should also be finished "soon." :-) I love the design of this pattern. So much character in the texture and colors. It is being made to fit her when she is a year. Hopefully it will have two long sleeves and all of the finishing touches long before then.

Ready to meet the little girl whom I strangely love already . . .

~Allison

You are Good

2011-01-21T13:56:00.000-08:00

One year ago was the sweetest of days for my Grandma. She was set free. She started living. With Him.

I remember entering the room after she had breathed her last just seconds earlier. Soft sobs were heard. Grief. But not despair. "Great is Thy Faithfulness" was playing in the back ground.

She was my Grandma. Not my wife, sister, or mom and so I know that I have not experienced anything close to what others have. Sometimes when I watch Ezekiel I want her to be able to see him so much. So many things remind me of her. House plants, spring flowers, autumn leaves, well prepared meals, cooking chicken on the stove top from frozen, the pie case at Sheri's restaurant, Christian radio, black and white photos, being barefoot, her home.

Luke and I have stumbled upon a song that quickly became a favorite. It is echoing through my mind today . . .

When the sun starts to rise
And I open my eyes
You are good, so good
In the heat of the day
With each stone that I lay
You are good, so good

With ever breath I take in
I'll tell you I'm grateful again
When the moon climbs high
Before each kiss goodnight
You are good

When the road starts to turn
Around each bend I've learned
You are good so good
And when somebody's hand
Holds me up helps me stand
You are so good

With every breath I take in
I'll tell You I'm grateful again
'Cause its more than enough
Just to know I am loved
And You are good

So how can I thank You
What can I bring
What can these poor hands
Lay at the feet of a King
I'll sing You a love song
It's all that I have
To tell You I'm grateful
For holding my life in Your Hands

When it's dark and it's cold
And I can't feel my soul
You are so good
When the world is gone gray
And the rain's here to stay
You are still good

So with every breath I take in
I'll tell You I am grateful again
And the storm my swell
Even then it's well and You are good

Nichole Nordeman

What 18 month old boys do . . . for fun

2011-01-12T14:10:00.000-08:00

So I never told him. "Do not open the cabinet and play with the Q-tips." Thus, I felt ok about taking a picture of what I saw when I came around the corner . . .

First Beater

2011-01-12T14:06:00.000-08:00

. . . and I think he is a fan.

New Sister

2011-01-12T13:45:00.001-08:00

My big brother got married. It still is not engraved in my mind as reality.

It is hard with them so far away. Only getting to know Jee-Eun a little bit . . . and from that little bit I am sure that I would love the opportunity to get to know her a whole ton more! I do know that she is as sweet as the day is long. Sweet enough to ask me to be a bride's maid before she ever met me. And thoughtful enough to tell me, up until an hour before the ceremony, that if I didn't feel well or couldn't do something not to worry about it . . . that I wouldn't ruin her wedding even if I needed to go sit down right in the middle of it. It's no mystery as to why my brother loves this girl. Very selfless. Thoughtful. Loving.

Wishing that they lived closer so that she could rub off on me some. :-)

So amazing to see how God works. Time, age, geography, and differences do not hinder Him from placing the people together whom He wants to be together. He brought my brother the perfect wife . . . all the way from Korea. He prepared the most wonderful man for me . . . born in Venezuela fifteen years before I was born in the US.

Makes me wonder what He has for Jacob. :-)

Old Photos . . . Good Memories

2010-12-13T13:56:00.001-08:00

We have a camera that we seldom use . . . and so these pictures have been "hidden" for almost a year. I can't believe how chubby Mr. Z was right before his first birthday.

Our first trip to the zoo together. Well . . . first trip with him being on the outside. :-)

One of our first "out of town" trips with our little boy was to a Christian conference. This was at the hotel after a few hours of driving and then a few hours of sitting through the lectures. Ezekiel had just learned to say "mama" and copy a horse's sound. He was "going to sleep" in his play pen and we were trying to be quiet while he fell asleep in a strange place. Luke and I huddled in the bathroom of the hotel room, eating ice cream and laughing while Ezekiel practice his new sounds and took forever getting to dream land. :-)

Praise to the Lord, The Almighty

2010-12-13T13:29:00.001-08:00

Christ's sovereignty is spoken of in delight
Until His sovereignty clashes with my desires
When the pain of it comes back to steal my breath away
I despise the fact that I am not god

Thoughts come and flee
Memories vanish and then flash back
Sometimes in haunting dreams
That rip me up again . . . just when I thought the wound had healed

My Lord knows how to place me on my knees
Pleading for grace to walk through what I cannot change
Why do I linger in lonely agony
Before I turn simply . . . with a yielded heart . . . to my precious Savior?

Praise to the Lord who o'er all things so wondrously reigneth
Shelters thee under His wings. Yes, so gently sustaineth

Now in awe I wonder how and why
He performed all good things in my life
Not because of me . . . but in spite of me
And bitter tears turn to tears of shame

He did not let me wander off to an easier path
He kept calling me - waiting for me to go where He asked me to go
To the place that seemed so difficult I could never imagine its completion
He accomplished what He ordained

Through what seemed like certain death
He brought life
He confirmed His will
And granted me my heart's desire

Hast thou not seen how all thy longings have been
Granted in what He ordaineth?

Praise to the Lord - The Almighty - the King of creation
Let all that is in me adore Him

A White Thanksgiving

2010-12-04T20:43:00.001-08:00

The closer we got towards Luke's parents the colder it got. The car read 7 degrees when we pulled into their driveway. After a while it doesn't seem to matter though . . . it's just, well . . . freezing!

Ezekiel liked walking around in it with Luke and I. It was beautiful.

I love to watch Luke with Ezekiel. They're so similar. Always trying to figure out how things work . . . both very cheerful and fun to be around but they appear to be serious until they get to know you.

Checking out how much Mr. Z weighs

His expression here makes me laugh. Haha.
Sometimes after I look at pictures of him at night after he goes to bed I am tempted to go kiss his sweet cheeks one more time . . .

Where the farm fresh eggs come from at Nana and Papa's

The night after we got home . . . spaghetti, peas and rolls for dinner. I was dishing things up at the stove and had put Ezekiel's plate of food on the table to cool. Luke and I look over to him dumping the entire plate. It was mostly still on the table - dripping off onto the floor. Luke and I were both in such shock . . . then it struck me funny . . . I couldn't stop laughing . . . Ezekiel started laughing hysterically at my reaction. I'm usually a little "anti mess" when it comes to stuff like this. But I actually ate my dinner that night instead of feeding him - he fed himself and loved it.

Ezekiel has a healthy case of chicken pox. They are nearly covering his torso and I have stopped counting the number of spots. He is taking it well. Thankfully he is a good water drinker so he has stayed well hydrated and the fever is minimal. Nights are difficult though. I am so grateful that he is getting this in while I am still pregnant. Perfect timing. The Lord is so gracious to us - even in these little things.

Haha . . . ok . . . I hear Luke out in the living room building with Ezekiel's blocks. *laughter* I think he is waiting for me so that we can read and go to bed. :-) I love that my handsome man acts like a kiddo. There is no age difference between us.

Really . . . there isn't. :-)

2010-11-19T13:30:00.000-08:00

I've been enjoying my little one so much lately . . . blogging is usually the last thing on my mind . . . except for when I wish that I could freeze time and I know that I'm going to want to remember the things of today. So I should be better about updating this so that I can look back . . .

I don't want to forget how happily Ezekiel blows kisses (often without being prompted) as his dad walks down the steps from our home each morning to go to work. And later in the day, when we go for our walk, I know that he will squeal with delight as soon as we see Luke or go into his office. My little boy loves his daddy . . . and I deeply, sincerely and heartily understand why. :-) My "squeals" are silent smiles, hugs and kisses.

It makes me smile when I see Ezekiel go to "his corner" where his books are kept on the bottom shelf. He gets them all out and sits there - totally surrounded by a disaster - looking at his books. He smiles almost every time that you hand him a book to read. When he brings his song book into the kitchen his face says, "Please read to me, Mama" all over it . . . and I cannot resist.

Most mothers probably don't let their children play with their blow dryer and flat iron . . . haha . . . I know that when my mother reads this she will probably roll her eyes. Ezekiel seems to believe that the blow dryer is in the bathroom purely for his enjoyment. By the end of the day it is usually in the kitchen and has seen every other room in our home throughout the day.

I love that when I open the oven Ezekiel wants to be right there watching . . . saying "Hot" again and again.

He's my little helper and understands a lot of what I tell him. He cleans out the lint in the dryer for me and puts it in the garbage.

He watches me clean diapers and stands there saying, "Ick!" I agree. :-) .

It seems like I am more excited to meet this baby than the last . . . because I know now how good it is . . .

-------------------------------------------
Last week I had a peak of the kidney problems that happened with my last pregnancy . . . it manifested differently this time and I didn't think it was the same thing. I woke up thinking that this felt like hard labor with extra back pain :-) . . . Luke was already up. Many attempts to get out of bed and to the hall way where he could see that I needed help failed. I started praying . . . finally got enough reprieve from the pain to get out of our bedroom.

Having the baby at this point meant that the chances of survival were slim. I was a little quicker about heartily "giving" my little girl to the Lord this time than I was with the concerns early on in the pregnancy. The pain didn't let up and Luke was on the phone getting some direction from our midwife . . .

Luke got me to the midwife and we were so so grateful that it was merely, what they thought at the time, a kidney stone . . . which mimics labor and fools a lot of prego women. I know why. :-) Spending the rest of the day in a bit of pain didn't seem so bad knowing that our baby was healthy.

Having kidney problems even sooner this pregnancy than the last . . . knowing that, if it happens two pregnancies in a row, it's probably "my lot" for every pregnancy here after . . . it's made me think outside the box and talk things through with the Lord a lot. And yet, I know that anything can change. That I lack the grace and wisdom for tomorrow . . . but what He has given me today is more than exceedingly sufficient.

I never imagined that pregnancy could be accompanied by anything other than morning sickness, being tired, being uncomfortable and gaining weight (:-)) all of which I was mentally prepared for and ok with. I could handle it . . . without help from the Lord. But He has seen fit to humble me and show me that, from beginning to end, I am unable to live where He has asked me to live, doing what he has asked me to do.

Monday morning I was free from kidney pain. But everything around me that had been neglected while I was down was calling for my attention. Ezekiel had been in our bed all night, sick, and waking up screaming every hour or so. I felt exhausted. It was 9 am and I found myself already at the end of my strength for the day. I was laying on the floor, weak and nauseated as usual after my shower . . . feeling like if I got up or moved I was going to explode, or faint. Ezekiel didn't feel well and needed my attention more than normal. I started praying. Confessing that I didn't have the strength required for that day. "Lord . . . I need your strength and love to be a mom and wife today . . . . "

I got up. Didn't explode. :-) The Lord called to my mind the fact that I had not drank a drop of water yet. The nausea faded. I was somehow stronger by the end of the day than I was at the beginning. Everything got done - one task at a time - until Luke got home late from work but dinner was still warm, our home still clean, Ezekiel was happy, and I was still amazed at God. That day got lived through me . . . in spite of me.

Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.
Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;
but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.

Pumpkin Patch

2010-10-25T13:18:00.000-07:00

'Zekiel loved being pushed in the wheelbarrow by daddy

Luke offered to give a ride to "all three" of his little ones. Strong man. :-)

The hay maze . . . I think I had more fun than he did . . .

Sweet little friend - Blake. Ezekiel liked his head. :-)

. . . to walk humbly

2010-10-17T03:27:00.000-07:00

This verse has been echoing through my mind the last two days . . . .

"He has shown you, O man, what is good. And what does the
LORD require of you but to do justice, to love kindness, And to walk humbly with your God." Micah 6:8

I found it strange today when I noticed myself quoting it over and over in my mind. I have not read it recently . . . nor was it brought to my attention from any outside source.

Yet it strangely encompasses everything that the Lord has taught me this week. Or . . . it encompasses everything that the Lord has begun teaching me . . . which I know will be an on going lesson until death swallows up my prideful flesh.

Thursday evening the last "thing" pushed my tired, mentally exhausted self over the edge. I was venting to Luke . . . lamenting the fact that by the time he got home from work he was getting the "leftovers" of my physical and emotional strength . . . which was nothing. One of the surfacing issues was Ezekiel. My ventations ran, "I have failed miserably. He is still not obedient most of the time - and I can't get a thing done. If I try to work in the kitchen, he is pointing to something and asking for it. I give it to him, only to have him whine for something else in two minutes. Mentally I am always analyzing if I should grant his request or not. Am I spending enough time with him? He plays by himself if he is forced to be in a confined space, but otherwise he is demanding. I keep thinking about the baby . . . and it's the most humbling thing in the world for me . . . but I have to admit that I really believe I will go crazy when the demand increases."

I felt stupid for saying all of it. And for months I had not because my pride would not let me verbalize that I was tired. With only one child. It's one thing to feel like a failure . . . but more painful to admit it all to the one person whose opinion I value more than anyone else on earth.

My man pulled through again. I had some assignments for the next day . . . had a feeling that Ezekiel was going to wonder "what happened to Mama" because of it. The morning took some adjusting but I think he enjoyed the afternoon with a mom who wasn't exhausted. And I actually had time and energy to play hard with him. I don't just want to train him to "do" and "do not." Eventually, I want there to be a relationship between us that he doesn't want to damage because we enjoy being together. I want there to be a desire to be pleasing. How else will he learn to desire the sweet fellowship of the Lord and fear quenching the Holy Spirit? Not because of mere painful consequences. But because of a love for the fellowship that can only be maintained by walking humbly with the Lord - completely submitted to His will.

I despise the fact that child training has to have any up and down to it. When I know that I have failed, I will look at each situation differently. My little one's behavior will be changed into something very enjoyable to be around. I can't get enough of my obedient happy Mr. Blueberry eyes. But without knowing it . . . I start enjoying more and assuming the best of him because he has been "so good lately." The line slides before my eyes and yet I am blinded.

It has surfaced my own inability to raise a child apart from God. Allison cannot successfully raise even one child apart from abiding in Christ. For the first time . . . I am ok with that. I am grateful to the Lord for allowing me to fail when I strive on my own. It has been a huge blow to my pride. I want to learn how to walk humbly with my God. I have no desire for a well behaved child who has no desire for a relationship with the Savior. How can my children desire something at a young age unless it is lived out before them? I pray that I might always fail unless HE is being allowed to love my children through me.

Failing as a wife hurts a little deeper. And maybe, in a mere week, my view of marriage has been largely changed. I am grieved by how often I make an idol out of my husband. In my immaturity I view loving my husband as being blindly adoring and thus, him fulfilling all of my desires because his desires are met. But instead, we are both sinful humans who are more prone to love ourselves than each other. Adoring someone with the hopes of being loved isn't love. It's idolatry. It's living for man instead of living for God.

I am grateful that my husband doesn't "push" as much as I sometimes would like. That he doesn't dote over me when I struggle. All I often desire in my struggle is for him to come and be the hero. I want him to say the right thing or show me affection. I don't want to struggle alone. It feels lonely . . . like I'm not even "loved." But that's exactly where God wants me. Alone. With Him and His Word. He still wants my whole heart - married or unmarried . . . the lesson has not changed. I know that Luke loves me . . . and lately I have half suspected that God Himself is keeping him from being there when I feel like I "need him." We can have no love for each other unless Christ would be the very essence of our lives. I must go to Him. I must struggle before HIM if I am to learn how to walk humbly. Then how sweet and undemanding is our love for one another. Quick to forgive and grateful for every day that we have to walk this earthly journey together.

I want to remember what the Lord is teaching me . . . even though writing when I am prego and tired will most likely result in long ramblings and run on sentences. :-) I must find some rest for tonight . . .

Loving Autumn

2010-10-16T13:30:00.000-07:00

The cold cloudy mornings that melt away into comfortably warm afternoons . . . just perfect for walks to see Luke and going to the park afterward.

My parents went away for their anniversary. Zeke and I enjoyed having Jacob here. Jacob's school is on the computer and Ezekiel thought that the lessons were as good as a movie.

We decorated the house for fall one day and had fun making caramel apples.

Two of the apples before the dipping . . .

Twenty-Five Years of Loving Faithfulness

2010-09-22T18:42:00.000-07:00

I love how my parents always showed affection for each other around their children. Holding hands. Hugging. Playful wrestling and kissing. I grew up thinking that it was normal and that all marriages were just that good. It always brought so much security to know that things were okay between mom and dad. They loved each other. Joyful bliss!

I love how, if they had a disagreement in front of me . . . though few and far between . . . they would also ask forgiveness of each other quickly. My mom still tells me about the times that she struggles to love. How easy it is to be selfish and how sweet my dad is.

I cherish how much time my parents spent talking to their children. As I got older my parents became my best friends. I love that I could admit to them that their suspicions about Luke and I were true. Though it seemed crazy to want to marry someone so much older than myself . . . and me being so young still. They listened to me and treated me like a person - not a little child with a silly idea. They loved me enough to protect me. My dad loved me enough to "check Luke out" and do everything he could to give us a good start into the marriage that they prayed would be blessed.

I remember how, two days before my wedding, my dad took me to breakfast . . . gently warning me about conflict in marriage. Telling me honestly that mom and his marriage hasn't always been "this good." Giving me a glimpse into the secrets of what makes marriage a joy. Praying with me that Luke and I would never stop trying and never lose heart.

I love how my parents marriage didn't start out perfectly. How my mom wasn't even saved when she married my dad. How they have been real before me and told me their struggles. It gives me hope and a real life perspective that marriage is not so much in how it comes together but in what you determine to make it with God's grace.

I love that my parents, though now grandparents, still act like kiddos together. They are so full of life and fun. They draw people to themselves just being them.

I love how they have been faithful to each other for 25 years of real life in a fallen world. Through raising children, having a miscarriage, facing things together as a family that were difficult, taking care of Grandma in those last months, and grieving the loss of my Grandma. . . times of sorrow and times of joy. They have learned how to rest in the Lord and let each change draw them closer together.

Dad and Mom, thank you for your sacrifice. I love you both.

. . . because you see yourself in them

2010-09-22T09:19:00.000-07:00

My mom always told me. "The people that irritate you most are the most like you. You react to what they do wrong because you have the same fault."

I had always pretty much believed that. And it seemed obviously true to me.

But then God brought someone into my life who . . . well . . . they got me acting / speaking / feeling more passionately than I have in a good long while.

Luke would look at me like something had come over me. Or maybe someone stole his wife and brought this unreasonable person to fill her place? I would even fight against him on the issues as he encouraged me to be "more loving."

I would pray about this situation/person but I really didn't see how they were anything like me. Wrestling with the concept I would defend myself. "I know I'm not perfect but (;-)) I would never dream of doing "x"! I mean, it would be embarrassing to behave in such a way. It boggles my mind. I don't even know what to say."

Luke told me that he was praying that I could learn to love this individual before it was "too late."

So . . . I was praying about it one morning. Told the Lord that I honestly didn't see how I was anything like this person. But asked Him to open my eyes and give me a love for them.

I was silent for a moment in my prayer and my prideful thoughts said something like, "You are careful not to take advantage of people. You don't ignore relationships until you need something." But then I saw all things clearly. As if the Lord was whispering, "Not with people, Allison. Your pride is too great for that. But what about us??"

Shame washed over me as I felt myself blushing in the presence of my Savior.

Once again humbled by my own pride.

How much more passionate are my prayers when I am hurting?

I rise to pray in the sleepless nights when I am struggling . . . when I know that I cannot survive without Him. But how easy I find it to travel through half of my day, when things seem blissful, without uttering a word to my Savior. Do I only fellowship when I am needy?

He has done so much for me . . . I feel as though my love for Him should be so much greater, unwavering, and stable than it really is.

For, if I had a sweet sweet love for Jesus would I not have a love for others . . . deserved or undeserved? Rather I feel hurt by their actions or taken advantage of . . . or whatever?

My mom's saying still holds true. How grateful I am that God brought this person into my life to show me how "selfish" my love for Him is. How disgusting it is that, after all He has done for me, I ignore Him until I need Him.

LORD, teach me to love You.

Birthday Picnics and Memeories

2010-09-13T09:39:00.001-07:00

Handsome and Handsome Jr. :- )

"What do you want to do for your birthday?"

Luke was asking me weeks before . . . but it seemed so far away. We would talk but I never would give him the same answer.

At the end of a day when I didn't touch half of what I wanted to accomplish it was, "Be alone for a whole day . . . uninterrupted . . . so that I can get something done!" :-)

But most days I realize that I wouldn't want to change my every day life. Being with my little 'Zekiel and spending time with my best friend every night. Knowing that we have another blessing on the way . . . whom I am excited to meet. Feeling my stomach harden, followed by firm little kicks that always make me say, "Aw . . . hey precious baby."

I would change the morning sickness. :-) Or should I say "All day, low blood sugar sickness that doesn't go away in the first trimester." After all, I am half way through this pregnancy and I still feel like I must be in the beginning because I am not yet "episode free." ;-)

Anyhow! The day before my birthday, Luke took time off work and we took a road trip. I educated myself on soap making . . . reading most of the time in the car. We arrived at the factory store where all of the supplies were and we had fun looking at how many things we could make ourselves, for less money, and more naturally. Stuff we use everyday. Shampoo, facial creams, bar soap . . .

My birthday continued into yesterday even (over a week later) with a picnic at one of my favorite places and soap making after Ezekiel went to bed for the night. I was kind of scared of the whole lye factor, especially being prego and having a little one around. I believe we were successful though (the final test is the ph testing that will take place tomorrow). In my feverish state last night I had vibrant dreams of making soap, cleaning up lye, and making sure Ezekiel was safe. :-)

20 went by fast . . . and I am somewhat saddened about not being able to tell Luke that he has a "teenage wife" or that his wife is "not old enough to drink." (As though that is a big deal to us anyway. ;-)) The years seem to be flying by . . . bringing things into life that I would have never predicted for myself. I am glad that He is sovereign over my life here on earth, blessing me beyond measure, giving me a great love Him and a longing to see Him soon . . . face to face.

Ok . . . off to get something done before Mr. Blueberry eyes wakes up.

13 Months

2010-09-13T09:33:00.001-07:00

I discovered how to "click" my tongue. If you do it back to me, it makes me giggle . . . a lot.

Grandma taught me how to blow kisses. Mama thinks it's sweet.

Baby in a Box

2010-09-13T09:23:00.000-07:00

Friday was a slow day . . . 'Zekiel obtained his first cold. He had trouble resting but still had his sense of humor. I wasn't feeling so good either so we just took walks together . . . snuggled . . . ate comfort food . . . took vitamin C . . . drank lots of fluids . . . played in big cardboard boxes. :-)

Mr. Blueberry . . . First Birthday . . . Mama's Helper

2010-08-19T21:00:00.000-07:00

Frozen blueberries = happy baby

Frozen blueberries = huge mess

A simple cake for his first birthday. I was still feeling the morning sickness/exhaustion pretty strong so Luke suggested that I keep it simple . . . and I didn't argue the point. :-)

One of his favorite gifts was the toy cell phone. He still prefers the real thing but anything that makes noise and has buttons intrigues him.

Really Mama? All my own piece?

He's not afraid to make a mess but once he is done he wants his tray clean.

The next day he wore his cowboy shirt from Aunt Gretchen.

He had a blast "cooking with me" the other night while I was working on dinner.

I love watching him at this age . . . seeing the depth of personality. How much he desires to be right with me all the time. Sometimes I think he knows my routine better than I do.

He's my helper. When I fold diapers he goes back and forth between the pile of clean diapers and me . . . handing them to me way faster than I can stuff and fold them. I tell him "thank you" each time and he seems delighted with himself. He knows what I am doing when I fold laundry . . . and that it has something to do with the clothes in the dresser. Right now he has it backward though. He opens our dresser drawers, gets a single piece of clothing, and brings it to me for me to fold. Maybe he will take clothes from me and put them away someday soon? :-) Right now I can't get the smile off my face when he does it. It's so innocent and sweet and he only does it when I am in the bedroom folding clothes.

I could write about my little blueberry eyes all night . . . but I think Lukie wants some sleep. I feel ready too. Like I could fall asleep in any position, anywhere, at any time. Yet, sometimes the excitement of having this baby keeps me awake. I remember that happening with Ezekiel too . . . but back then I didn't have anyone to chase, train, feed, change, and love on all day long. :-)

Goodnight.

Dear Little One

2010-08-09T00:07:00.000-07:00

My Precious Little One,

Nearly a week ago, I discovered how great a love I already have for you. I was thankful to have you from the beginning. I delighted in the thought of getting to know you. But I did not realize that I loved you . . . yet.

We thought that you were being taken from us early. It was with bitter tears that I hoped it was not true. Daddy and I were told that things did not "look good." We were advised to prepare ourselves for never hearing your little heart beat. I remembered the words in the Bible of Job who said, "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."

I started to tell the Lord that, if He did take you from us, I would praise Him. But I stopped myself. I knew I was unable. So I told Him that I wanted to praise Him, regardless of His prefect will in the matter . . . if He would only give me the grace to.

The time came when we searched for your heart beat with the doppler. It was the moment I was longing for and wishing would never come. Not knowing meant hope. And it seemed sure that this exercise would end in a lack of it.

But your strong and healthy heart beat was discovered. Praise seemed natural to us . . . but humbling. Our God is always good. In loss and grief. In gain and times of blessing. His perfect will was to keep you with us for a while longer. How long? No one can ever tell. How thankful daddy and I are that our times of life and death our not in our hands. Every detail rests with One who knows all things and has a tender love for us. He loves you more than we could ever possibly.

Things are not perfect and there may be testing yet to come. But maybe He is just drawing us closer to Himself and giving us abundant thankfulness for when we will meet you. We are praying, that one day you will love our Lord Jesus and know what perfect peace there is in a relationship with Him. May you put your trust fully in Him. Striving on your own will never do. His yoke is easy. His burden is light. There is nothing better in earth or heaven but to know Him.

I hope to meet you soon.

Much love, my precious little one.

~Mama

Day of Sweet Remembrance

2010-07-27T15:05:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was our second anniversary. Luke asked me what I wanted to do on Sunday. He took me out to a nice dinner Sunday evening. I made him heart shaped pancakes Monday morning for breakfast. I was happy to be remembered - completely satisfied with our celebration. I figured that we were happy enough just getting to be married everyday. A big shindig wasn't really needed.

Monday morning came and went. I was in the kitchen doing dishes, thinking that I should go check on Ezekiel because it had been quiet for a while . . . decided to just finish up quick and then go and find him. I looked up in the mirror that is above the kitchen sink and saw a man's arms around Ezekiel and my little blueberry eyes smiling with a container of chocolates in his hand. Once I registered that those were Luke's arms and the chocolates were for me I caught my breath . . . came around the corner to greet him and found roses on the table, complete with a letter. Sweet man! Behind the letter was a page of four date options for me to choose from.

After I tried to not cry over my husband's sweet letter, I selected going to the beach and heard no complaint from Luke - only interrogations to ensure that I didn't chose that option just because I knew he liked it. Even as opposite as we are, we like the beach rather equally.

It was cold. I knew that getting used to the water slow would never cut it. So I ran. Got numb and wet. Loved every minute of it.

Luke took enough photos of me running to make a video out of. But I don't plan on it. :-)

I am not sure why I am frowning here. I was happy . . . honest.

Thanks Mom, for taking good care of our little mister while we were gone.

You usually don't find a leader and a servant wrapped up into one man. The man who thinks for himself and is unmoved by people's opinion doesn't wash the dishes and change the diapers. At least, that was my understanding of men and personality types. :-) But somehow God blessed me with a man unlike any other I have ever known. He works to make my load light. He is the essence of a leader to me.

In the last two years, I have learned how utterly selfish I am. How much of what I did was for other people - not the Lord. I have questioned "who in the world" I was as things changed fast and sometimes left me confused. I have felt like giving up because I was tired of struggling and could see no end to my pride and sin that caused me grief time and time again. Sometimes the pain seemed to steal my breath, make me feel physically sick, and make me want to give in. That's when Luke would "get in my face" and make me quote Scripture to him. Reminding me of the truth until I was strengthened again, if only for another day.

I learned that I can't float off of my husband's relationship with the Lord. That having a godly family isn't just reading Scripture and praying together. It isn't staying home with your kids, having your babies naturally, or being a conservative Christian. It is being fixed on Christ. It is depending on Him. Not a life style. Not my husband. Not children. The size of my family. Where I live. What I look like. What people say about me. What I think people are thinking about me.

Thank you, Luke, for not selling yourself to me or giving me answers in you. I adore you for making me depend on Christ. Thank you for taking your time making decisions . . . not letting a passionate "black and white" wife get your eyes off our Lord and waiting before Him. Thank you for not delaying one instant once you perceive the will of God. Your obedience to Him is complete and trustful . . . without your own reasoning weaved within it.

Our wedding day was beautiful. Day to day life with you is yet more precious.

Camping 2010

2010-07-10T09:15:00.000-07:00

My not-so-color-coordinated baby.

We stopped a few hours into the driving to have a picnic lunch and let Ezekiel get some energy out. Who goes camping 6.5 hours away with a baby?? I wondered if I was insane . . . more than once. Especially when we had car problems and had to stop to see what was going on. That made it into an 8 hour trip. Yes, I'm still glad we went!

I had been to this spot once before - three years ago. It is probably one of my favorite places on this side of the US. Snow capped mountains and green meadows with wild flowers . . . it is my kind of beauty.

Keeping busy with a carrot while everyone else eats lunch

Luke and I thought this is the cutest little place. It was for sale so we looked in the windows and everything. Luke always says we need to record what I like so that he can build it for me someday. :-) I was like . . . "This is it, Lukie! Small but enough space for kiddos. A loft for the children's bedroom. The kitchen open to the main area so that I can cook and visit at the same time. Most everything we had talked about. It's fun to dream . . . even though most of it will probably never come true. :-)

There is wild life everywhere. Jacob was in heaven.

Jacob eating a giant smore.

Haha! It's hail . . . larger than marbles. We had two big storms pass through in the evenings. Storms such as I had never seen before. Right on top of you thunder and lighting not far away. I was putting dinner on the table the evening the hail came and the sky got that orange tinge to it. I started moving everything under cover pretty quick and once we were huddled together this hail started coming down hard. It left me in awe of my Lord. Is His power ever lacking? Is His arm too short to save? Does He fail to hear? How great is our Savior.

There are so many things that I didn't get pictures of . . .

Luke and I rented a kayak and went out on the lake. I noticed right off that, unlike the paddle boats we had been on the day before, they put the life vest on you instead of throwing them in the back of the boat. Comforting. The man helping us told Luke that he should be in the back because he weighed more. I started laughing hysterically and informed him that there was little difference between us. He didn't seem to know what to say. :-)

We didn't come prepared to get soaked . . . which is pretty much what happened. We started off. I like water. I know how to swim. I have a sense of adventure. But this felt really tippy. I was talking nervously. "Luke, this thing is so going to tip. I thought we rented a boat . . .but we didn't! This is a little peace of plastic that we have to keep upright." I stifled a few screams for the first half hour. Then I was comfortable and we worked together well.

Three years ago when our family camped here I was thinking about Luke . . . a lot. I took time away from work to go on this trip that I had been looking forward to. It took me by surprise that I missed someone I wasn't even really friends with. Seemed crazy and even a little lame. :-) It had started the spring before with him just intriguing me. He was so quiet but once we started working together ever so slightly I picked up on the fact that he was humble, intelligent . . . and he could think for himself. He worked hard and long and I never heard him complain. When he wasn't at work it seemed like he was with his parents and siblings. He sold me on himself without knowing I was even watching. But I was the girl and so I was stuck being sold and thinking - and trying not to think. For seven long months. :-)

It was fun to go back this time and be with him. He seemed intrigued with my confessions of where and when I thought about him back then. I was just in glory having so much time with him . . . which wasn't really happening in the weeks/months leading up to this trip.

If Chris and Jee-Eun had been there the trip would have been completed with a little more drama. (Feel free to comment Jee-Eun . . . I heard from a reliable source that you read this occasionally. :-))

11 Months

2010-07-09T23:30:00.000-07:00

His baby face is fading.

He has thinned down . . . he is always on the move.

He is happy - almost always.

I love how cuddly he is.

When I don't feel well he will come and find me and lay his head next to me and snuggle.

I love whispering in his ear before he goes to bed and telling him how much I love him . . . how glad I am that the Lord blessed us with him . . . how we pray for his salvation and want him to grow to love Jesus.

He has five teeth.

His toothed smiled is adorable.

His smile makes me laugh because he squints his eyes . . . he laughs whenever someone else laughs. We laugh and play together like two little kiddos.

The Handsome Father of our Children

2010-06-21T09:14:00.001-07:00

An old photo when Ezekiel was still a newborn . . . Luke has been so tender and loving with him from the very first day.

He took care of me while I was pregnant and, although some of those sick days where lonely when he was at work and I was stuck pretty much laying in one position, I never felt alone. Now the Lord has blessed us with another little one (due to be born early in February) and Luke is already watching out for him/her . . . making sure I eat, rest, drink, exercise . . .

There is so much joy in these days.

I love you, Luke.

Crazy days and Motherhood 101

2010-06-14T21:26:00.000-07:00

I found myself wishing today that I could have prepared a little better somehow for being a wife and a mom . . . I'm not sure how . . . but somehow! It's not the big things like disciplining a child or supporting and loving your husband. It's the "this should be a so simple!" stuff that I feel so slow at learning.

Like what to do with a crawling baby when you are trying to clean a bathroom and they want to be right where you are. And really, there's not much in the bathroom that I can allow him to discover. The play pen is wonderful but I can't lock him in there all day long. Or can I? ;-)

One of these days I am going to have more than one child and I know that I will look back on these "simple days" and wonder what my problem was. For now I can work hard when he's down for a nap. But then? I want to figure out what to do before I get there. I just really love a clean bathroom and, no matter how many children are welcomed into our family, I'm unwilling to give such things up.

"The older kids help." Sure . . . but what about when you have three of them under the age of three? Doesn't sound like good quality bathroom cleaners to me.

I decided this morning that strawberry picking was something that needed to get done. Luke had the car . . . and he had no lunch. Poor planning on my part. Ezekiel woke up early from his morning nap - which is as rare as the sun shining in Washington on a Monday. So baby got fed an early lunch while I made something up for Luke. Grabbed address, containers for berries, money, jacket for Zeke, baby wipes, diapers, hat, keys, cell phone . . . stuffed into the stroller as I walked as quickly as possible to deliver my husband's lunch.

Lunch was delivered and we were ready to go - though when Luke heard that I was going to pick strawberries with a baby he looked at me like I was a little crazy. A few wrong turns, construction, and a road block later Ezekiel starts crying and I remember that, in my rush, I never nursed him for his mid-day feeding. Arg. I drive back home and decide to berry pick after his afternoon nap.

Ezekiel thinks that afternoon nap times are jungle gym times. He literally giggles, talks, and bounces around his crib for forever before falling asleep. Luke says it sounds like a presidential debate is going on in there . . . a whole ton of non sense. I decide to clean a little and bake some blueberry muffins so that Luke has something easy to snack on at work. Course, Ezekiel wakes up in the middle of the process and I am back and forth, just trying to get something accomplished.

Finally out the door on my second attempt to get some strawberries. I know. We are truly over attached to our strawberry smoothies and the price of berries in the store pains me. I sat in the car analyzing the situation for a moment. I had my heavy duty stroller with me but . . . it's too wide to get down the rows. The picking on the end of the rows was pathetic. I finally decide to carefully navigate down a row to get to some quality berries.

Ezekiel thought that watching his mother hunched over strawberry plants was some kind of hilarious phenomenon. At first. Then he was tired of sitting there playing with the same toy. I only had one pail full of berries. I really wanted another. Babies aren't supposed to eat strawberries . . . but one won't kill him, right? He seemed fascinated with it while I picked quicker than quick. I tried to remember if I had taken the stem off or not . . . nope. He had cleaned all the dirt off quite thoroughly before I got it out of his mouth.

I had my two pails of berries. But now . . . more analyzing. How do I hold two buckets full to the brim with berries and get the stroller back down the narrow row without completely destroying the plants? Very carefully. My poor little boy was bounced all over the place . . . the soil had clods of dirt and ditches. It was not an easy maneuver. Berries and baby in the car - I seriously just wanted to crawl in a hole and take a nap.

But instead I went grocery shopping and then hauled bags and berries and baby up the stairs. Hungry hippo me . . . and Ezekiel too. It was close to dinner time. Those muffins smelled SO good at this point. I took a big bite. No blueberries. You so have to be kidding me. (See previous post on blueberry muffins). By then I felt so incompetent. Thoughts of unbelief where swarming my mind. You have only one child and yet you are exhausted and you can't even remember a main ingredient. What is the problem?? Didn't really feel like crying over something so silly. But I did laugh . . . a lot.

Luke called while I was making dinner and said he had to work late (Which is why I have time to write this long blog post for my own memory's sake. It's so hard for me to go to sleep without him.) I felt like a decent wife when I got dinner loaded in a basket and brought it to him at the office. He would be working late into the night . . . so packing ice cream for him seemed like a good idea. And a blueberry muffin too - without the blueberries. Not perfect, but he wouldn't go hungry.

Having dinner and taking a walk with Luke seemed to change a crazy, imperfect day into perfection. He didn't complain about working late - he only said that he would rather be with Ezekiel and I. He told me how good dinner was, even though it was nothing special. One affectionate glance from him gives me more energy than any perfect, productive, or restful day could ever grant me. I'm glad that my husband and I made serious, life-long vows to each other . . . because it's going to take at least that long for me to show my handsome man how much I love him.

Ten Months

2010-06-07T15:04:00.001-07:00

I wanted to get some photos of just Zeke when he turned 10 months. The Grandmas claim that their frames need updating. I am still feeling too cheap to go get "professional photos" done. After all, we have a nice camera and I just need some practice . . . maybe a few babies down the road the baby photos will look "professional." Sorry Zeke - mama doesn't love you less. ;-)

I love his expression here because I see it so often. It is him.

Blurry and overexposed. But I love how he is holding onto his feet and smiling.

Mr. Serious Strait

I think that Ezekiel was doing sign language for "All done" in this one . . . Enough sitting on a table and not being able to crawl!

It has been a blissful ten months. I am in amazement that, other than waking up congested one morning, Mr. Blueberry Eyes has not had the slightest thing go wrong with his health. That makes my life so stress free.

He is sleeping better, even though he isn't weaned yet. I drink lots of water to try to keep up with him (and as you can see - he's not suffering too badly with those rolls!) We let him do a little "cry it out" for a couple of nights and now he always sleeps beautifully until morning. Naps good. Learning to be obedient . . . he's got a will like his mama but he learns quick too.

I love watching Luke play with the little one. Luke has a way of keeping me stress free and making me laugh when Ezekiel is teething . . . fussy . . . or whatever. My husband is quick witted and says the greatest things - I adore his personality.

Ok, Ezekiel's nap time is over and I have a piano recital to prepare for . . .

Future Pianist

2010-06-07T15:01:00.000-07:00

Now if we could only find someone to teach him

Playing "catch up"

2010-05-28T15:00:00.000-07:00

It seems like forever since I have posted anything here. Maybe because Chris is home and I know that he can see Ezekiel in person and not rely on pictures to stay up on things. Now he is going back to South Carolina tomorrow and his stay seemed so short to us all.

This last month has been full as far as the Lord teaching me things . . . taking me through things . . . working on me. My thoughts are still unsettled on it though and my thoughts are written down in my journal as I try to pull Scriptures together to define what I think He is having me experience. I know that I need foundational things to back it up. He is so faithful to show me those things in His Word.

Some things I know for sure - and those I can record for the whole world to see. :-) Spiritual warfare is real. The Word of God has become more precious. It is my breath. The Lord has blessed me abundantly by giving Luke to me as my husband. He is so faithful to remind me of truth. He is strong when I feel weak.

"It is good for me that I was afflicted,
that I might learn your statutes.
The law of your mouth is better to me
than thousands of gold and silver pieces."

PSALM 119:71-72

My little helper as of late. He loves the dryer and the dishwasher. I love having him around, keeping me company and making me smile.

Grandma put a curl on the top of his head one morning when I was giving Jacob a piano lesson. It was then that I knew for sure that a hair cut needed to happen. I never have understood a mother's resistance to cutting her boy's hair the first time. It's just not my taste, I guess. I have no desire whatsoever for my boy to look like a girl . . . or a sissy boy! ;-)

So we trimmed the back and the sides. He was quite interested in the clippers and it took Luke holding his head while I tried to trim . . .

Jacob's birthday cake . . . just a landscape for him to place his toy indians and horses on. I didn't get a photo of the finished product but it turned out kind of neat.

Just Remembering . . .

2010-05-06T09:52:00.000-07:00

So the lease on our apartment just came to an end and we had a decision to make . . . we've been looking casually at homes and (more recently) just some property to buy with the hopes of building on it. But really, it has been a whole ton of closed doors. We prayed for direction - then signed a year long lease.

I have a feeling that we will be here for a while. And it made me giddy happy. (Not just the being here but how clear God made it that a long lease was what He wanted. My husband looked a little confused by the direction but it made me laugh . . . a lot :-)) I truly love our cozy home.

I was tempted to label myself as content when I was thinking about it this morning. But then the Lord rightly humbled me in my thoughts. He seemed to be whispering the truth that I may not be so happy if the apartment was not new, clean, close to Luke's work, with a washer and dryer right there for me to use whenever . . . and always the means to keep it warm. Content? Not really. Just downright blessed more than I deserve.

Anyhow! I had no intention of writing about leases, homes, and being content. :-)

The year long lease made me realize that I can decorate, paint and whatever without the fear of undoing it all right away because of a move. So I was going through wedding and engagement pictures as I explored some options for framing pictures and making this place more "ours."

It got me thinking about marriage and everything that the Lord has brought me through and taught me in those two short years since engagement.

More than ever before I realize that marriage was never meant to be a god. It was never designed to be a "goal" or something to have as "just so." If it was, it would only glorify us.

For me it came down to pushing aside the details, determining the will of God, and then diving in head first . . . not knowing if it was going to be hard or easy but knowing that whatever it was . . . it was meant to be and would be whatever it would be for life. :-) Knowing that I was not designed to be satisfied by mere man or the institution of marriage. No, I was designed to help. To serve. To die. And in this end I have found so much life. . . joy that seems so genuine that I know it is not of this world.

I do a lot of thinking/praying when I am driving . . . and attempt to not shed too many tears of gratitude so that I can still see. But yesterday I was coming back to thanking the Lord for my husband and my marriage. Knowing what I deserve and yet, what I got instead. It was humbling.

The Lord has done great things for us, whereof we are glad.
PSALM 126:3

Sheer Joy

2010-04-26T11:39:00.001-07:00

Ezekiel can sense and reflect it more than any other person in my life right now . . .

He knows if I am busy and would rather he just be a non-baby baby and play without hurting himself or getting into anything . . . or really . . . I'd rather he be sleeping so I don't have to think about it.

But it's strange how when I decide to divorce myself for a little while and live as I was intended to live . . . in a manner worthy of the calling that I have been called to . . . he can sense that too.

And I look back in shame at myself and wonder why I was ever annoyed or stressed about some little non-eternal, ever so fleeting detail when I hear him in his crib at night, jabbering himself to sleep, or smiling at me and giggling, or calling to me in the morning saying, "mama, mama, mama."

Just because I stay at home with my little one during the day doesn't make me a "stay at home mom." Not really. I can travel in my thoughts, on the computer, the phone . . . or even in serving other people and doing projects before I attend to the place God has called me to serve - my husband and my baby. My "me thoughts" grow by the dozens until I find a discontented selfish little girl that I am ashamed to be associated with . . . but whom I must be associated with; because she is me. My joy is snatched away by a thousand little decisions to not take every thought captive and use each moment as the Lord prompted me to.

My husband comes home to a tired wife (not tired because I have too much work . . . good grief, I only have one child!) But tired because she fought against the Holy Spirit all day long and therefore her yoke wasn't easy . . . nor was the burden light. Ezekiel is cranky? You bet. I would be cranky too if I had to endure being around someone all day long who didn't make it clear that they wanted to be with me . . . that they delighted in our relationship. Selfish people are wearisome to be around.

I get glimpses of sheer joy here on earth. The times when the Lord grants me grace to be obedient to His Word and rejoice in Him with everything that is within me rather I feel spiritual about it or not. The times when I laugh with the Lord over what would have frustrated me in the past. The times when He kills enough of me to make me happy.

And it makes me wonder how purely blissful heaven will be when "I" am finally dead and buried. All of my desires are His desires and Allison is dead dead. Cold dead.

That will be sheer joy.

when I look down these days . . .

2010-04-08T10:08:00.001-07:00

. . . I see a little boy who has figured out how to crawl from room to room and get wherever he wants to go. It was fun to be making dinner last night and have him crawl over to see me in the kitchen. He played with the string on the leg of my capri pants and, after a while, crawled back to his toys.

'Zekiel's newest thing - playing with a cloth coaster on his head . . . and it stayed like that for a good three minutes as he played. Most of the time he knows that it is up there and it makes him giggly.

Cheerios are a favorite and he's working on doing toast by himself. I love not spoon feeding him everything . . . saves tons of time.

Ah yes . . . how did this picture end up in here?? This is what fell out of my kitchen cabinet Tuesday evening while I was trying to make dinner, feed a baby, make dessert, and get things ready for people coming over for Bible study. Tuesday I was frustrated beyond frustration anyway . . . feeling so exhausted from night after night of broken sleep. Emotionally taxed from being with a baby who wasn't happy all day long. Discouraged that I was doing everything I could and that Ezekiel still screamed at the end of every feeding because he didn't get enough. Spiritually drained and wishing that I could be more apart of the Bible studies that we were involved in instead of hearing bits and pieces as I held a baby and kept him quiet. I remember thinking that the slightest thing going wrong was going to push me over . . . right before this happened. And my husband's reaction? Well, he's the one that took the picture - not me! I'm so grateful for my happy husband who can make me smile . . . and who kept Mr. Blueberry eyes for me that evening so that I could sit through the entire Bible study. I felt so refreshed . . .

2010-04-05T12:11:00.000-07:00

Glad for another family photo . . . thanks mom!

Luke caught me dancing to the music with Mr. Chubby Cheeks . . . he looks so chubby in this picture . . . it made me laugh. Ezekiel loves music. He kicks his legs and smiles when I open the armoire because he knows that's where I go to turn music on.

Nana holding the two grandsons that were born just one month apart.

'Zekiel in his high chair at Papa and Nana's

Being held by Great Grandma

When Daddy comes home . . .

2010-03-31T14:44:00.000-07:00

I love when my husband comes home as much as any wife does, I guess. My man who is always happy (and says it's because of me . . . but I'm not sure I always believe him because I know that I'm so far from the perfect wife . . .)

'Zekiel seems to like it too. Who wouldn't love having a daddy come home who gets down and plays with him? I know that some days at work are longer than others for Luke and he comes home to Bible studies to prepare for or whatever else . . . but it's always obvious that he would rather be with us than anywhere else.

Looks of adoration . . .

Daddy makes Mr. Blueberry eyes giggle

I love you, Handsome. You are the best . . .

Mama times . . .

2010-03-31T14:36:00.000-07:00

I came home from a full weekend and collapsed in a down comforter next to my little bundle.

Happy boy in the mornings. This morning especially . . . he woke up just as I grabbed my Bible. So he just played with his blanket while I read to him.

Ezekiel spends hours in his high chair. Sometimes eating. Most of the time just playing with measuring cups and this toy as I prepare food.

late nights . . .

2010-03-25T23:48:00.000-07:00

My husband and baby are sleeping. I just finished cleaning the kitchen top to bottom - getting it ready for a very full day of baking tomorrow. But now it's late and I am past being tired . . . into being over tired which would mean going to bed and being frustrated with a slow falling to sleep process. I can't remember the last time that I didn't go to bed "early" with Luke. This so reminds me of my single days when I would journal late into the night. It is when my mind seems to work the clearest.

I have so many thoughts flooding my mind . . . experiences and memories that I don't want to forget. And while I doubt that anyone else in the world wants to read this; I want the option of going back and remembering.

Of Dialogues of Fenelon . . .

Nearly every morning I curl up in a chair in the living room and read something short from Fenelon before reading my Bible. It seems to quiet my mind and helps me receive the "meet" of God's Word. I came across this quote today and remembered my mom reading it to me when my Grandma was dying of cancer. It spoke to me then. And now, with completely different issues, the Lord so convicted my heart of the energy and time that I waste thinking about the future. Wanting to plan things just how I want them. But His knowledge of my needs are so all encompassing. Fenelon reads as follows:

I wish you all the benefit you are seeking in retreat; above all, that you may find rest in a simple line of conduct, without looking forward anxiously to the future. That future is in God's hands, not yours; God will rule is according to your needs. But if you seek to forecast it in your own wisdom, you will gain nothing but anxiety and anticipation of inevitable trouble. Try only to make use of each day; each day brings its own good and evil, and sometimes what seems evil becomes good if we leave it to God, and do not forestall Him in our impatience.

Of lyrics that humble me . . .

There is a CD in our car right now that has a version of Come Ye Sinners on it. Usually I skip the song because Amy Grant sings a portion of it and . . . well, I can hardly stand that. (Unless Luke just wants a little free entertainment as I nearly go out of my skin during it! *wink*) But the other day I let it go and these words caught me.

"View Him prostrate in the garden
On the ground your Maker lies
On the bloody tree behold Him
Sinners will this not suffice?

Lo! The incarnate God ascended
Pleads the merit of His blood:
Venture on Him, Venture wholly
Let no other trust intrude."

The thought of my Creator, hanging bloody and suffering on a tree. And some people still say, "God can't save me . . . because of what I have done." Of all that He has done. Can we dare to say that it is not sufficient to save even the chief of sinners? Venture on Him. Venture wholly on Him. Allison . . . don't trust one tittle on your life style, prayer life, or feelings of love toward God. My salvation is wholly dependant on Christ.

Of sovereignty over Sanctification . . .

As someone who has, for a long while, embraced the sovereignty of God in regards to election and salvation, it has only been recently that I have seen that God is sovereign over every aspect of salvation . . . even my sanctification. For I used to reason that God had saved my soul and now I must learn to love and follow Him. And so a burden was always felt and a fear of "falling away" or "backsliding." I thought that I was to keep our relationship going. I thought it was up to me.

But recently I found my heart in rebellion. Scared by pain maybe . . . or, more truthfully - calloused by bitterness. When Luke would pray at night, I allowed my mind to wander. I only read Scripture with my husband and rarely by myself. I was more bitter than I even realized at the time. Not towards God; but it certainly made that relationship seem distant. My conscience condemned me. And I seriously did not care. Not caring scared me the most. I cared about very little until I hardly knew who I had become . . . so quickly changed into who I did not recognize as being me.

God used the truth of His Word to cut open my calloused heart and soften me once again. I drug my heels as long as I could. Mainly, it was our Pastor's sermons. God so broke me with His truth. Countless stories of times where I was sitting there thinking that God must have given my pastor a private revelation of my life at the time. The message on bitterness where (much to my dismay) I cried nearly the entire sermon. The message on dwelling on truth through melodies and song. I have a vivid memory of our conservative pastor getting a little emotional as he had hymns playing and he was pointing out truths of Scripture in them and praising the Lord in front of us all. My heart started praising the Lord again.

Our culture is so full of Hollywood and Hallmark that we get this notion that spiritual struggles are won over one special revelation or event. But it's a steady diet of truth that changes lives. Then to prove His great love for me, He did something that didn't seem humanly possible. It was like I had rebelled, and I knew it. I had told God by my actions that I didn't care, and I knew it. But He kept being faithful and then did something so amazing . . . just to show His love for me. He left me feeling so completely humbled.

God did it. Not me. Now I am in a place where I love the Word of God. I can't get enough of my Savior. But He is holding on to me . . . whether I am holding on to Him, being distracted by the world, or trying to push away. He is sanctifying me.

Of Spring and all of it's memories

Spring and Autumn are my favorite seasons. I love change . . . and they are those transitional seasons.

All of the flowers really remind me of my Grandma, though. Whenever there is a nice day in the midst of a few rainy ones it reminds me of a phone conversation I had with her, right before we found out that her cancer had returned and that she would be gone soon. She had called just to see how Ezekiel was doing and mentioned that Grandpa was going out, and wanted her to go with him. "But I just can't seem to get myself up to doing anything with how I feel right now" she explained. There was an awkward pause as I tried to decide if I should just be understanding or encourage her to go. "It's hard when you don't feel well . . . but if you can get out, it's a really beautiful day" I said. She paused again and finally said, "Well, you encouraged me, so I'm going to do it. Better go get ready . . . "

None of us realized how poor she felt most of the time until towards the end. She wasn't one to complain. But I'm glad that she went with my grandpa that day . . . and I know that she is in the midst of unspeakable beauty now.

Tomorrow is going to be beyond full . . .

I must find some sleep for tonight.

shadow of the wind

2010-03-25T23:32:00.000-07:00

The shadow is unwelcome
Fades in the brightest of lights
Winds of memory
Bring it back sometimes

How I despise it
And if I could have but one request
It would flee as a vapor
Never to return

I awoke alone
In a flood of tears
For my shadow was hovering
I could not wrestle free

Remaining not alone
He granted the sweetest of comfort
Yet I sobbed softly
For this shadow inescapable

Yet why should I despise
That which drives me to my knees
And leaves me at the cross
Clinging to my most precious Savior?

May praise be given
For this shadow of the wind
For when He broke my heart
He granted me my deepest desire

Rough and Tumble . . . beautiful weekend

2010-03-23T10:04:00.000-07:00

I think it's God's sense of humor.

The fact that I love to plan ahead and know what I am doing.

The fact that this ideal is next to impossible with Luke's job right now. And well . . . with life in general.

Whenever we decide to take a weekend trip to Lyle to visit family it's a last minute decision based on how much work Luke has and if we can get away or not.

So Thursday night we were driving home from evening Bible study, calling Luke's parents to see if we could come the next morning. A sore throat and sinus stuff made me more tired than usual. But Luke still had to go back to work and I had laundry, packing and a baby to feed and get to bed. I kept repeating "I can come home this weekend to a mess. It's ok Allison. Go to bed." Because I knew that 5am was coming soon.

Friday was beautiful and I enjoyed every minute of "extra" time with my handsome husband as we visited family and such.

Mr. Blueberry eyes slept in our bed for the first (and last!) time Friday night. Being in a new place wasn't going over so well. He seemed restless and so so tired, but wouldn't settle down to sleep. Even in our bed he woke up every couple of hours and looked frantically from Luke to me . . and back to Luke. Then a few more minutes of crying and he would go back to sleep. And so the night of crowded broken sleep passed . . .

Saturday was fun . . . Luke continued to work with me on the dirt bike and I got it off the drive way this time and into third gear. Still embarrassingly slow. But I love it. And, thanks to my father-in-law letting me ride his bike, Luke and I can ride close together so that he can help me out.

I really was basking in the family time. Loved watching Ezekiel giggle and go crazy as we fed the chickens. . . my goodness, he's all over the animal thing.

Oh! How did I forget?? Ezekiel also says "Mama" now. I'm not exactly a "Hallmark Moment" type of person these days but I must confess that I love to hear that. :-)

The long drive home was peaceful. Luke pulled over to let me get a chocolate truffle out of the cooler in back to taste. Sure didn't taste as good as it looked . . . and by the time we got home the thought of it kind of made me sick.

And well, let's just say that it didn't get better from there . . . with nearly no reprieve for five hours . . . until I was as weak as I remembering being since I had chicken pox when I was 16. ;-)

So grateful for my tender husband who carried me where I needed to go when I was too weak to walk, and cleaned up after me . . . and watched Ezekiel (thanks to some help from Grandma too!), and attempted to bottle feed when my dehydrated body could not satisfy my little boy, and made me drink even as my body protested in keeping any fluid down whatsoever.

Luke has had to "take care of me" more than I would like since we've been married. My husband never gets sick. And between pregnancy stuff, labor, and typical sickness there have been times when I hate to be a burden but cannot physically do anything about it. Thus God's way of humbling me . . . at least, in part.

Ah, it feels so good to be up cleaning, and working, and taking care of my precious little one . . .

Just Like Daddy

2010-03-23T10:01:00.000-07:00

Apparently Ezekiel loves Henry Weinhard Root Beer as much as daddy does.

No worries, Grandma.

It's water. :-)

it's been a while

2010-03-23T09:51:00.000-07:00

We celebrated Luke's birthday over three weeks ago, but it's been a while since I have updated things here . . .

I truly have the most tender and loving of husbands. To think how gracious the Lord has been to bless me with him . . .

I attempted to do a cake in the shape of a waffle maker for the birthday occasion. Luke's most highly ranked food is waffles. I remember back in the day of being "just friends" Shay and I making this very involved recipe for waffles that Luke gave me. I still remember the looks that Shay gave me as we beat the egg whites until they were stiff and let the batter sit for 45 minutes to let the yeast do it's work. They were looks of: This is such a pain. I really love you to be going along with this, my dear friend. You must think a lot of this "friend" you have to make a recipe for something that you have never been crazy about to begin with.

Family photos. I so love my "second" parents.

Funny how my parents are the same height and (because I grew 1/2 inch when I was prego) Luke and I are now the exact same height. It seems more obvious than normal in this picture . . .

Fellowship

2010-03-08T22:21:00.000-08:00

Sweet and quiet
Wordlessly speaking epics
The surest love

Sometimes my Lord gives me a glimpse of pure joy
And I think it must be a foretaste of heaven
I love when He grants this to me . . .

He will bring someone across my path
And we don't say much to each other
Or spend hours upon hours talking

But there is a quiet understanding
And you know that you love the same Lord
And awake in the same precious dialogues with your Redeemer

You know that your paths in this journey may look different
Yet everything is the same
And in the end, you will be worshiping the One you obtain each breath from - side by side

From now . . . and forever.

blueberry muffins without the . . . um . . . blueberries

2010-02-25T22:53:00.000-08:00

I looked at the clock this afternoon and realized that I needed to feed my baby in fifteen minutes, and then a piano student would be coming shortly there after . . . and I needed to make dessert for Bible study.

Quickly deciding on blueberry muffins, I set to work. Got interrupted a few times. Once for the feeding. Then phone calls and such. But not bad . . . it got done with time to spare.

Everyone at Bible study seemed appreciative for the dessert. Some asked what kind of muffins they were before partaking. I was holding a hungry and tired baby and never did eat anything.

My husband is working late tonight and I decided that part of a muffin would make a good snack. That's when I realized that they seemed to be missing something.

Like, um . . . the blueberries.

So I decided to record this unfortunate moment in history in hopes that this will be looked back upon with laughter and aid me in banishing my ocean of pride.

To Aviod Disdainful Manners

2010-02-25T09:30:00.001-08:00

Everything like a proud or disdainful manner, all that savors of ridicule or censoriousness, indicates a soul full of itself, unconscious of its own faults, a prey to fastidiousness, and finding pleasure in the troubles of others.

Nothing ought to humble us more than this sort of pride; so easily wounded, contemptuous, disdainful, haughty, jealous of its own rights, and always unforgiving towards the defects of others.

One is very imperfect, when one is so impatient with the imperfections of others. Pray, read, humble your spirit by a taste for simple things. Seek your strength in silence.

~Dialogues of Fenelon

When daddy dresses me . . .

2010-02-25T09:26:00.001-08:00

We were getting ready to leave the house and Ezekiel needed to get dressed. I ran off to do something else and told Luke, "Just put everything on him that I have laid out on top of his dresser."

Apparently I had taken my hair scarf off earlier and placed it there under his clothes for the day.

So Luke in all his humor did exactly as I had suggested. Ezekiel wore my hair scarf.

I so love my man . . . we have such fun together in everyday life.

Last "Baby Bath"

2010-02-25T09:21:00.000-08:00

Ezekiel's last bath using his baby tub . . . he sits up well enough now to do without it. He's almost too big for my kitchen sink.

Note: The pink wash cloth was a purchase from back in the pregnancy days when I was convinced that Ezekiel was a girl. He doesn't mind a little pink here and there. :-)

Family, Hiking, Shooting, Dirt Bikes, and . . . a little sleep

2010-02-20T22:05:00.000-08:00

The last days have been a welcome change from the normal routine . . . My handsome man, little bro, and bundle of joy went up to Lyle to be with family.

I almost forget a while after each visit how much I love my dad and mom and enjoy being with them. I always come home grateful for the time that we had.

So we went hiking . . . or rather, walking on a trail. Very beautiful. Nana watched 'Zekiel while I went with the guys. And she was kind enough to look after him while Luke attempted to teach his wifey a little about riding his dirt bike, and my dad let me shoot his .22. Dad always makes me smile . . . telling me that I did well. Yes, I can hit what I am aiming for when the pistol has no kick and I am aided by a red dot. Well, everything is a learning processes, eh?

My little mister was a pill berry topin'. (Jenkins lingo for expressing unfavorable behavior in young children). I was looking forward to a little sleep when I closed my eyes at 12:30am . . . only to be awakened at 3am by the pill berry . . . and again at 5:30am. So grateful for my husband who got up at 7:30 so I could get some sleep.

'Zekiel's given me a run for it the last few days. Apparently he is hungry and is not getting enough through nursing. (For whatever reason). So . . . I felt exhausted from trying to feed him enough solids to get him to sleep some. This weekend was a welcome reprieve and he is improving a lot with eating some food.

My hero. My hansome man. My best friend.

2010-02-20T20:56:00.000-08:00

All of the silly things . . .

The way that you sit on your knees for breakfast like a little kiddo
The way that you stand with one foot on top of the other . . . always thought that looked cute
Your sense of humor. You make me smile.
I like you. : )

All that He has done through you . . .

Transforming my man into a leader. The one who reads Scripture with me. The guy who gets up early and memorizes Scripture each day. I treasure our times of going to the Lord together.

Giving you the grace to do whatever He leads you to, regardless of the cost. Selling our house. Being involved in Bible studies and even facilitating (which goes against your quiet personality).

Sacrificing daily for me. Being the first to admit fault. Getting Ezekiel up for me every morning. Never being lazy, but always helping. Listening to me as I struggle to communicate everything. Never losing patience. Praying for our marriage.

All of the sweet things . . .

The piano music that you buy me. The projects that you inspire me with.

Keeping the car stocked with extra jackets because you know that I will always be cold and never think to take care of it myself. (Your married such a child! : ))

Telling me every day that you think that I am beautiful. From before we were married . . . to when I was prego . . to after I had Ezekiel.

Putting your arm around me when you sit next to me.

Proud to be your wife . . . I love you.

Happy Birthday.

To one of my heros . . .

2010-02-18T10:31:00.000-08:00

He's not the one who causes the church splits.
He picks up the pieces that people, in their passion, leave behind.

He's not the one who would invent the light bulb.
He's the one that would work every day to manufacture them.

He's not the one to preach the sermon.
He's the one to organize the service and set up the chairs.

He's the faithful, steady, thoughtful, caring father that I grew to love. I came to the place of looking at what he and my mom had and determining that I wanted to marry someone like him. My dad protected me and made sure that the man I married loved the Lord.

He's the one that always calls my mom "beautiful."

He's the one that knows that she will melt when acts of service are done for her. He is not above doing the dishes, ironing some clothes, washing the cars, and finding what needs doing.

He's the one that goes to a job every day that doesn't fit his personality, where doing the honest thing puts him in a lower position, and where I know he would gladly leave . . . but he considers someone other than himself in the matter.

Thanks for being the kind of dad that I can honestly call my hero.

Happy Birthday . . . I love you.

This Last Week . . .

2010-02-15T10:09:00.000-08:00

Thoughts:

The more that I exalt myself, focus on myself, love myself, the further away I grow from the Lord. The closer that I grow to the Lord the more I exalt Him, focus on Him, love Him. Oh, how I long for life in the new heavens and new earth when my pride will at last be banished. How glorious the day when I can worship and love Him from a perfect heart.

The most painful circumstances that I am tempted to grow bitter over are only a gift from Christ and a glimpse of how much pain and suffering my own sin caused Him. Maybe the pain will be turned to gratitude in time if I dwell on truth.

How slow is the process of dying to myself. Even in the most dutiful acts of service I find buried under the surface hidden hopes of love returned . . . if only in an assurance that I am not a fool to love. If my love was thrown back at me and never treasured or returned, would I still love? Would I still give? If it brought nothing but pain and rejection, could I continue on?

Conversations:

“You know, Allison, circumstances are not always a punishment. Yes, God is teaching us things and He sometimes works in that way. But sometimes it is not for us to understand. There is such a bigger picture.” ~HJ

“Luke, I still feel like my grandma just went on a vacation for a couple of weeks and she is going to come back. We’re going to go to their house, and she is going to be there . . . just waiting to kiss Ezekiel and talk to us. I can’t grasp that she is really gone.”

“I think she did go a vacation. And someday you’ll go join her.”

Little Happenings:

Sometimes things will cross my mind that I would like to have . . . usually “little” things. And sometimes, for no real reason, I just feel like I should do without it. Maybe nothing but obedience to His prompting.

And the last few weeks He has given me a couple of those things that I wanted . . . they ended up meaning much more and they were given as a gift from someone who had no idea of my desire.

The one that comes to mind is house plants. They just look homey and are good for freshening the air. But I just didn’t feel free to go purchase them. When my Grandma passed away, countless people sent plants to my Grandpa. He ended up giving me a basket that had several unique house plants in it because he could not keep all that was given to him. For as long as I can remember, my grandma had plants in her home. She loved flowers. And now I have something that I desired and it means something more . . . because they remind me of her.

These happenings are so little . . . it’s so easy to categorize it as chance. But my husband has been talking about and focusing on a verse lately that opposes that theory. “The lot is cast into the lap; but the whole disposing thereof is of the Lord.” (Prov. 16:33) He is sovereign. Over when we are born and die. Over our predestination. Over our redemption. Over our death. Over the simplest things in our lives. Over my house plants.

It is humbling to consider that He knows my desires and has a will for them . . . not always to be granted, but always for our wills to become one in every matter.

Somedays . . .

2010-02-09T11:23:00.001-08:00

. . . I so want to take the next ship out of this nation. Or at least to some remote place in this nation where I can raise my children in the fear of the Lord, not be pushed to pump poison into my son (i.e. vaccinate him), not receive monthly notices from my insurance company about how I need to be screened for sexual diseases (how many times can I say, "NOT an issue"?), and not have to listen to the hard rock music that the guy downstairs seems to be delighting in these days.

Ugh!

No worries . . . my ventations have ended.

Six Months

2010-02-05T12:01:00.001-08:00

It's been such a sweet six months of getting to know this little blessing.

This kiddo loves being naked. Typical baby thing. Plus, his cloth diapers are so big that "naked time" is the only time he can sufficiently suck on his toes. He lets out a whine when I pull his feet out of his mouth and straighten his legs to put his diaper on. Makes me want to do it 20 extra times a day until he discovers that whining will never get him anywhere. : )

Sleeping through the night . . . we've found him more than once having fun in his crib at night. Sucking on his toes or watching a slide show of our wedding pictures on the computer in his room. Luke has found him on his back more than once and, after flipping him back to his tummy, has found that he goes right back to sleep on his own. Night sleep is not something that I have to guess on. He'll sleep through the night. Without fail.

I so love baby feet. In the winter I typically do put socks on my child's feet. Keeping children warm and clean is something that was ingrained in me from my own infancy. But I also have a love for going bare foot and for getting messy (the little kid comes out in me every rainstorm when I have a longing to go get drenched and run through wet grass without my shoes). . . just can't wait for summer when the weather will let us go out more.

Seems to have his dad's personality in a lot of ways . . . very happy go lucky. He does more when you are not around than when you are by way of rolling and such.

He loves to talk though . . . which proves that he is half Jenkins. And well, having his Grandpa's big blue eyes helps with the resemblance too.

He thrives on structure as much as any child. The more "to the minute" I am with his feedings, naps, and play times the more enjoyable his behavior is. It makes the abnormal times easier to handle too. So . . . all in all, a very content little baby. I have found myself smothering his head with kisses before I put him to bed and telling him how much I love him . . . and then telling Luke how I wouldn't mind having a lot of miniature Lukies around.

Until We Meet Again

2010-01-28T18:27:00.000-08:00

found my foot

2010-01-25T09:09:00.001-08:00

There was a day when I was that flexible . . . maybe I should work on getting there again. It looks like such fun. :)

Rejoice in Ransom Paid

2010-01-25T08:42:00.000-08:00

Sweet and perfect peace

From life’s fleeting breath

Take her home forever

Where there is peace and rest

To know her Lord and Savior

In fullness so complete

Not in simple contrast

To sin and suffering

It was needful for a time

To travel in this world

But now this task is over

And all beauty is unfurled

Love unselfish, pure and strong

Praise produced in forms of song

Flawless worship to her sovereign King

Christ in fullness she now sees

Rejoice all people with her

For this glorious hope

That Christ has paid the ransom

And cleanses with His blood

Bow the knee

Make Him King

Rest in faith—His work complete

Then Christ, your Savior, you shall see

no earthly man could thus convince me . . .

2010-01-20T10:14:00.000-08:00

Too numerous the times of comfort
So often circumstances that spoke to more than chance
The multiplying experiences in so short a life
The surrounding of much more than I could deserve

It all speaks to His wisdom
And the fact that He is sovereign
Who can know the mind of God?
It displays that no one is His counselor

Who can teach Him?
And from whom would He receive instruction?
The Creator of knowledge
The Giver and Taker of life

. . . no earthly man could thus convince me that God is not. For even an atheist will pray in those last and fleeting breaths. The law of God is so engraved on the hearts that He created.

Walkin' to see my handsome man . . .

2010-01-08T22:23:00.000-08:00

I love living so close to where Luke works . . . especially as we have one car right now. Today I knew that I was going to go insane if I didn't "get out." My little bundle does not mind getting bundled up, put in the backpack, and getting some fresh air. And it's more of a workout to walk with 16 some pounds strapped to you . . . kinda reminds me of being prego. : )

The flash of the camera makes Ezekiel smile when it isn't pointing directly at him . . .

Carhartt Baby

2010-01-08T22:21:00.001-08:00

Thanks Nana and Papa for my overalls. Mama calls me a "worker baby."

the tongue thing

2010-01-08T22:15:00.000-08:00

The only time in his life when sticking his tongue out will be cute. : ) He has discovered that he can lick his lips and he often stops eating to look up at me and do just that.

. . . he is delighted with himself.